fAMily

There is much talk of family at the Holiday season, what it is, just what does it mean...I imagine we all have our own ideas of what it is and what it should be. Navigating the loss of our partners, we have come to understand somewhat better just what that means I think. Even in those situations where it was just the two of us, with only a sprinkling of one or two other members, the idea of family can be overwhelmingly powerful. Like most, my own idea has been shaped by my experiences growing up, and I have come to realize just how much it has meant to me and my efforts during this journey. Some of us find that losing our partners can bring out not only the best in our friends and family, but also the worse. With me, I have been fortunate that our family has remained solidly supportive of one another both during DJ's illness, and later, after her death. Part of this may have been the fact that we had almost 4 years from the time of diagnosis to the final outcome, but I really think it's because of the inherent good heartedness of the people involved in my life. DJ's core family members were close and I think that as I came to know her, this was part of what drew me to her even more. While we were going together and I would visit, there would always be much joking among the five of them, especially with her dad. I imagine they may have looked at me as another one of the the many friends, both male and female that hung around DJ's house, but of course I had other ideas. As it became obvious that DJ and I were getting serious and I was around more and more, I attended various family functions they would go to, and slowly became acquainted with more and more members of her extended family. They were all friendly enough, and after a while I became a fixture at Bar-B-Ques, birthday parties and the like. DJ carried over this sense of family and really stressed within our own after we were married.

My own idea of family was shaped mainly by the experiences from being blended into another family when my dad remarried after the death of my birth mother. The high sense of family was there too, in this new family situation.There are no evil stepmother stories to tell or a truck load of childhood slights to relate, in fact I have spent a good deal of time throughout my life, trying to avoid the use of the term step in regards to any member of the new family we were blended with. After that blending, the term my mother came to have special meaning for me; having lived with our dad's mother for a while, she is the only mother I have known, my birth mother having died when I was five. She proved to be in her element with four boys and three girls to deal with ranging in age from 7 through their early 20's, with two teenagers in the mix; most of the negative things I avoid doing today is because of my experience of having done them...once...and then having the error of my ways explained to me in ways, tho not unique in themselves, but more so in her style of implementation; we were never abused, but I don't think her methods would pass most state guidelines today.

As I meet others along the journey it distresses me when I hear of the situations where the death of a loved one has left the family in shambles, scrambling to find some center, but unable to because of the squabbles which are present. As I have no personal experience with that type of situation, anything I might say on it is truly speculation...but that does not make my observations and feelings about it any less valid. In our time of loss, when every measure of support is so critical, it is sad that so many of us have to experience the added pressures of family rancor to the grief equation. In our own family, from early on, I can remember DJ giving the kids what for after listening for a while as they argued or tried to put one another down. This was not something just related to early child raising either; I have lain awake many a night as she detailed her views on some particular issue they might be going through in their adult life, with her chiding me for my seemingly disinterested attitude. Knowing it would do me no good to explain that my silence on the issue was not due to any disinterest, but rather me wanting them to resolve it between themselves, I would listen as she would point out her bewilderment at their behavior. Later, often at our weekly family dinners DJ might guide the conversation to this idea and in her own way, let her thoughts on the current situation be known to those involved. Although an immediate resolution might not result, she would make her thoughts on the subject known.

For sure, along with everything else our loss brings to us, the division of what we may have come to think of as our family, including those members of our partner's family, can cause added stress to the devastation we endure. I can only imagine what a very hard thing it is to accept that we were merely tolerated because we happened to be involved with our partners. At a time when every bit of support can be so important, often, pettiness, sniping, and outright hostility can prevail, leaving us with a feeling of even more hurt and despair. Despite our best efforts, many times we are looked upon as having not done the right thing, or enough of the things we did do or in the best way; having all manner of misdeeds attributed to our actions by members of our partner's family and friends. Having heard survivors accused of everything from neglect to outright taking the life of their partners, I am distressed even more as the results of such actions by others only add to the deep sense of complete abandonment we might already feel. We are brought face to face with another of the many things which we find we cannot control and are many times, forced to come to some decision about our future role in the lives of those causing the upheaval. So, we not only lose our partner, but also in many cases, that sense of family we felt so safe with and sure of...the road continues it's twists and turns.

This all came to mind as I thought about our family, DJ's and mine, about my own family, and the bonds which have been created with DJ's. Recognizing I have been fortunate to have all of them in my life as they have been there for me and have truly made traveling the path much more easier than it might have been. The support of DJ's family cannot be overstated and I will not embarrass anyone by naming individuals, but they know who they are; more important to me, I know who they are. DJ is proud of them, of that I am fairly certain of, at the most crucial of times they exhibited all those things I have come to know she professed and actually practiced over the years we shared together. It is one of the many things which endears her to me and reminds me to be thankful for the life I was able to share with her. For those whose experience with family members may have not been so positive, I can only offer that many of us are aware that the situation exists; that we can do little but offer that you should know someone is aware may be of little solace, but know that you are not alone. It is my hope that tho it may make the journey a bit more difficult, at least you can be secure in the knowledge that altho we cannot control the motivations and actions of others, being true to our own sense of family, understanding that which we tried to do, and in many cases succeeded in doing in regards to creating a truly cohesive family is something which we understand cannot be taken from us. Like the hearts and minds of our partners, it is ours, unable to be touched by others unless we allow that to happen.

Often, we can find a new sense of family in the friends we make through grief, I know I have, and it's a curious thing; being obnoxious, causing constant turmoil and upheaval can cost you your membership in this idea of family, be it the blood one, or the the one created by agreed friendship, but no amount of money can purchase you a place in a good one. So, as we move forward we try to continue to carry this idea of a solid family with us, beyond the negatives which may be present, past the doubts offered by others and on, through the storm of grief, we attempt to weather one day at a time.  Now, this all may seem so futile, so impossible, but I think that we should keep in mind that just not so long ago, we also thought we would not make it this far, but we have; and many of us have done it not with the support of whatever family may have been present before, but because even if it was just the two of us, those, things good and bad which creates the bonds of family are present with our loved ones and lives within us yet. It may be something which we all can carry with us, not just this season, not just this year; but as a part of our lives which can help us in weathering whatever storms may come....Peace

KnowWhere

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

                         -Bob Dylan - 1964

So the calendar year date has came and went since DJ's death and for all intents and purposes, my emotions were only slightly raised above what has become normal. I am sure this is because of some of the work I tried to do during this year, but mainly the coming and going of that date was made easier by the support of new friends I have met here and elsewhere and time; having been a long time skeptic of friendships, and especially online acquaintances, I have had to adjust one-hundred and eighty degrees on this...more changes. I've waited this long after the actual date 11.08.11 to write this because I wanted to give myself time, just to see how I really felt. As I have said, the emotions of the actual day were pretty much steady state, with spikes of joy as I received gifts and cards in the mail from a few new friends, tokens of their thoughts for me and our family; and there was not a great increase in the general anxiety, which for me has become a constant companion, lurking just at my mind's outer fringe; not as in the weeks before which had been somewhat trying...of course during that time I had been feeling a bit more reflective, and more weepy. Then, a few days before the actual date, my phone crashed...normally a disaster requiring all manner of cussing and whatnot, but now, no big deal, I have backups so...I chose a saved backup to restore from and the data was retrieved. As I re-started the phone and checked things out, I realized that the restore date was from Feb. 2011; among the contacts, appointments and other things, there is almost and entire year's worth of text dialogue between DJ and I, I immediately transferred all the backups from the phone to my desktop, laptop, and to a flash drive I keep on my car key ring; burning them to a cd is next, and I did trust them to a Cloud Service, and no, I am not paranoid, just experienced...
As I reviewed those text messages I thought of how that time has passed, about how it has become for me nowhere, and that really is now and here...there isn't any earth shattering conversations going on between us, just the everyday things our lives had become up to that point; DJ: 'Pat (DJ's sister), is stuck in her driveway, can you get by there?' ...  Me: ''...will b here about 20 more mins, will do...love you....''  a bit later the same day,  DJ: ''...I won't be downstairs until about  1:30, don't rush...'', that in response to me asking when I should pick her up from the clinic. I purposely read through every text, feeling the need to somehow relive those moments, thinking about what I had been doing when I read her's or my responses to them...as I read, I could recall almost every last one of them. All of this 'normal' living going on as the undercurrent of the real event which awaited us lurked in the back of our minds. Reading them caused me no great pain or meltdowns, I viewed them and thought about how this is a slice of what we had lived, of what our lives had become up to that point, just the day to day living, living with it all. Today I can place reading those messages in a safe place with other things as I have done over the past year to try and understand the journey a bit better.  Today, after more than a year, I no longer have to think and say, ''...this time last year, DJ and I were...'' or ''...last year we were doing-------, at this time with DJ...'', the time for those types of things to be true has passed...forever, tho the memories remain. Last year this time I was lost in the shock of DJ's death; bewildered beyond any human definition of the word...Up until about a month ago I had slept each night since her death on the lounger on which DJ last laid ...I'm sure some clinician could give a detailed and accurate accounting for this in terms which would thrill the hell out of a symposium somewhere, but I think it's simply because it made me feel closer to her somehow and it allowed me to be assured that the wallowing I started out to do earlier in the year, was complete. But keeping the lounger as a focal point had another purpose; it allowed our 5 year old grand daughter, Ms. McKoKo to stay comfortable with everything which has happened, at least I hope so; she and DJ logged a lot of time on that lounger watching TV and playing games, I did not want to suddenly remove it from her life, not as it must appear to her, the same way DJ had been removed; I am sure it holds special memories yet to be revealed for her also. I did not want it to become something she only associates with DJ's dying. Now, at times, she will join me in the bedroom and lay on that lounger and become engrossed in what is being played out on that same TV she and DJ watched so many programs and movies on; often I'm tempted to ask her what she's thinking as she appears to be caught up in what she is watching, but I don't ask; I do not think it would be fair to do that as she may not know how to put into words what she is actually thinking...feeling, she's only 5; I think it might lead to frustrations she does not need because of her inability to articulate what is on her mind and somehow, I feel I might be imposing on something that she is experiencing which is very special to her.  
And the changes continue, early in the year I had taken to using a different route to come home, from where ever, I read somewhere it was a good idea to do such a thing...I have kept to it for the most part; the Sunday paper is no longer part of my life, as I have stopped buying one since my first attempt to go through it alone, it's  just not the same as when DJ and I would sit and peruse every section.  Of course I don't eat, sleep, or spend idle time the way I once did, all that has changed too, but I think that's really what this is all about...this grieving time I mean...about making the changes, about coming to terms with the fact that everything in our lives has changed and we will never be the same again. It was suggested to me that altho the grieving would take time, what was important, was what actions were actually taken during that time. I have returned to actually going through a routine at bedtime, and altho it appears, that like the waters Dylan speaks of, which seem to have grown, and reminds me, yes, our very cores have been drenched, this in and of itself does not necessarily have to be a bad, or a sad thing, just something different. It is my thought that we have to be aware of the expanding waters; being no longer restricted to the private cove DJ and I created, now I must deal with the open sea of the different life things alone, things we had not given much thought to before and it can be scary.
There were other items in the back up, a few voice mails, one with her giving me a bit of hell for being late in picking her up...another one, saying she liked me, 'just because'...I can listen to them today without falling apart as we have videos which has her talking, and I have watched and listened them a few times; that was one early attempt to keep her voice in my head...those voicemails will be going to cd also (DiskAid). Until I restored that phone I had not really thought about the true magnitude of the change, or the multitude of the various things...in some ways, portions of this past year are a blur, even some of the parts I thought I was actively grieving on, hard...but most of the lessons learned have remained; fortunately, through the fog, I was able to hear much of what I needed to. Without those lessons and the information learned here, along with the support from family and friends, I am not sure that either I or the phone would have survived that restore; in my minds eye I can see it shattered, much as I felt I had been early on, in a hundred and one pieces after having been hurled against the nearest available wall, with the fact that a lot of the business info I work with is on there not being a barrier to such a hurling. Instead, I looked through the texts and listened to the voicemails and enjoyed...those seconds of reliving her voice erased a lot of sad thoughts in my mind that day, and for a while, all was serene.
With the Holidays nearly upon us, I have determined that mine will be the best I can make them, regardless of what is going on...I reason I can be sad anytime I choose to, thus I can be happy by the same reasoning, it's my choice. I'm still having weepy days and such, but accepting that  they should be there has made things a bit easier, I try to Happy on through them. Now, understand that this is no fake Happy, not in the usual, put on a face for others...I really want this Happiness I'm talking about...I want it to become part of my different life. There is still much living to do tho, and thinking I have a fairly good start on finding safe places in my mind for the life that was, is making this idea of living forward easier and more appealing. I'm taking Dylan at his word when he speaks about our time being worth saving; either we start swimming in those expanded waters or for sure, we will sink like a stone. Of course not all of us are ready to do these things...not right now anyway, being at different points on the journey, we require different things, but I think the lessons remain valid at any place along the road; at some point, if we are fortunate, we all may need to remember these simple ideas of trying to live forward...I don't think that the grief is static, non-moving, I'm looking at my own as dynamic, energetic, able to assail me at any time, so, I must be prepared for it as best I can, using the tools and lessons learned, which will allow me to endure that which must come, and move forward into whatever future may lie ahead with some degree of confidence and hope ...always hope. 
So, encountering the texts, hearing the voicemails, the lounger, my thinking of DJ and Ms. McKoKo, the Sunday paper, sleeping rituals, all of it, these things do not send me scrambling as they once might have; going over what all of these things might mean, or adding to or subtracting from them causes no great pain. Today I am able to look at all of them in an entirely different light than that which fell on the pathway in those early days, a light I was unaware of only a few, short months ago. In part it may be a testament to the human spirit, or the passage of time or it may just be my sincere desire now to live the different life. Whatever the reason, I feel prepared not only to meet the coming festive season, but also greet what festivities may be in store in living forward beyond it. I hope this is something we all can feel and believe in at some point in our own personal journeys and in our own time. Along with all the good, the bad, the unknown, the sadness, through it all, I hope we can emerge on the other side with ideas of promise and hope flourishing.
I think one thing is for certain, ''..the times the are a-changin' '', I think the real questions is, will we?

KnowTimeLeft

  But now the days grow short
Im in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
>from fine old kegs
>from the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year
                                               It was a mess of good years                                                                                                      

written by Bob Morrison - Jim Zerface

 ('It Was a Very Good Year')

 After a year of thinking and living mostly alone and to myself, initiating new living routines and different ideas about doing the everyday chores of life; spending hours upon hours of reflection and self examination, I must admit that all in all, it has been a very good year; that may sound strange, but I believe it to be true. DJ died in 2011...for me and our family, that was a bad year. After the first few weeks of this year, I found myself sitting, with legs dangling outside an open window mentally, leaning all the way forward being my answer to silencing the not so quiet storm which had been raging inside me for almost 4 months. That I was able to fall backwards, into the space of the living is a result I attribute to some power greater than myself and the support of some damn fine folks I discovered right here on this site. As I look back now, I view that as one of the most critical points of my life. Fortunately, since then I have been able to arrive at a point of some understanding about most things which have taken place since DJ died. Flickers of acceptance have recently began to make their appearance also.

With the multitude of issues which grief brings on, it is a wonder that we can manage to get anything done during that early time and even beyond. It is a good thing that some sort of auto pilot exists as it appears that is what guides most of us through those tortuous early days, weeks...and sometimes even months. I am sure there is some clinical definition for it somewhere, some description designed and accepted by those whose condition in life is to know such things, but auto pilot is as good as any for me. I thought about this the other day as I boxed up DJ's leftover obituaries, the visitation book and related items; that they have been sitting on the far end of the dining room table for the past year may or may not indicate any particular issue I may have had with putting them away earlier, I'm really not sure. But at this point I have stopped trying to assign reasons to each and every act I perform, or thought I have, many times it does not good anyway. But they will go into the container I had started for her things, some of the last physical vestiges of her life...last medical info, her redacted personal journals, a few things I know she really liked and some special pictures. That container also had been left in it's same place in our basement for about the same amount of time as the obituaries had...I had started filling it the weeks of and after her death, that first week after had been when I had went through every item she owned and gave them the disposition she had wished for.

The children are aware of this container, and I told them I was doing what I thought was right with the items, but at the appropriate time, they could make the decision as to what they might want to do with it...and with mine. Before I sealed the container which is marked simply ''DJ's'', I half looked at some of the things which were lying on top, trying to remember the feelings which I had been having last year when I had first put them there; I clearly remember going through the motions and physically making the efforts, but the emotions I had at the time are somewhat of a blur, probably because I was too numb. My mind can recall how strong I thought I was being at the time, tackling all of this so soon, not knowing at the time that I was in a state of total shock; in a fog so complete that only much later would I really recognize what an utterly stunned and bewildered state my actual condition had been, a definite sign auto pilot had been engaged. Looking over paperwork from the Hospice service, funeral home &ct., brought to mind the things the family and I had done to prepare for  DJ's final exit, arranging clothes, jewelry, the necessities for burial...I know we did them and I can remember being in the various offices and crowding around the table as biographical information was put in order; but I cannot call up the feelings I was having at those times. It may be a good thing, there are more than enough other memories to make up for that. No doubt this auto pilot mechanism served it's purpose well for me, as with most of us, it allowed me to function during a time which for all practical purposes we should have been laid low, a time when, despite all I knew, I was not prepared for it; it made life during that period bearable and survivable.

Unable to speak for anyone else, I'm finding that in my case at least, it appears that auto pilot is restricted to allowing me to do things; for matters of feeling and emotion, it is absent; true, that sinking feeling which was always present early on, no longer plagues me everyday, the fact that some others do not call or come by is not an issue for me emotionally; I can go most places DJ and I once frequented without totally breaking down, every time, and I can see couples and families together without feeling that curious rage which once was present. My memory of the initial panic and disbelief is still real enough and those instances of unimaginable anger, at...something...the times when I sat in DJ's car, windows up, screaming at the top of my lungs...those times remain vivid. Of course, eating, sleeping and doing alone all those things once done with DJ can still be painful at times, but because of the efforts to face grief and the path ahead, added to the various sources of support I have found, some peace has returned, but I think, mainly due to time the life forward appears possible and desirable.

So when looking back with a clearer mind and newly conditioned eyes I can honestly say it's been a very good year, especially considering where those early weeks could have led me. When I decided during those weeks to fully wallow in the grief, one of the things I did was started driving DJ's car; not only that, I put a small favorite picture of her right in the middle of the speedometer...auto pilot was disengaging and I felt I had to be able to do these things, and deal with the feelings they caused if I were to really get through this. It is understood that some of us are not up to those types of things early on, for sure, we are all different; for me I think it was necessary. It forced me to think and work through a variety of different emotions and thoughts. I think it helped me this year to do those things...the constant presence of those things helped to make DJ's continuing absence bearable. As winter ended, the coming of spring brought some shakiness to my demeanor; this was the time of year DJ loved to do outside things with planting and flowers and such. For a few days I lived on the verge of tears once again, approaching the house each day during that time thinking once inside, I would cut loose. That didn't happen and that time moved on with me thoroughly enjoying the new growth of spring, and understanding that I too was growing. Of course spring moved into summer, as with many, our favorite time and for all intents and purposes I felt really good; thoughts were being sorted out, new routines were in place and some measure of peace was being gained. Of course there were times of waves, and the roller coaster was still running, 24/7, but we learn to cope, we come to find out, if we choose to, we can live again; the different life has many rewards of it's own, which can be a strange and wonderful thing all on it's own.    

So as the year comes to a close and I recall the many ups and downs it has brought, I can feel some calm with the progress I think I have made. Tho much may yet to be done, much has been accomplished, raging memories put to rest, self doubts faced, and in large part dealt with, if only partially, new friends made and meetups attended; yes, the year may have not been perfect, but then nothing is, but, from where I sit it was a very good year, in fact ''...it's been a mess of good years...'', really.

  

FeaRing fEEling

 


''Expose yourself to your deepest fear;

after that, fear has no power,

and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.

                      You are free.''  -Jim Morrison

My oldest daughter and I were talking the other day and she was telling me how she noticed that her behavior was changing...that her personality was morphing into something she didn't particularly care for. She said she was finding herself being snippy, and short with others, particularly her 5 yr. old daughter, often when the occasion did not warrant it...she added that altho she had been checked out medically she was also constantly worried about her health and what might happen to that 5 yr. old should the worse happen again, for her. As we spoke, I mentioned to her that I thought this was partially a result of general parental concerns, and some of it, probably a result of the grieving; that I had heard it referred to often on the various sites, and here in the Village, a change in personality...for a while, hopefully. Noting that me telling her that may not actually help, but at least, maybe she could get some perspective on what was happening by knowing that some of it may be a side effect of grieving. For my own self, I cannot say that I have had these particular things occur, for one, most folks thought I was short and snippy anyway, so how would the difference be known...and about her fear of the worse happening, and it constantly being on her mind, well that led into another area of discussion, as I am still under the impression that the worse has already happened for me. Prefacing what I was about to say to her with the proviso that I thought we each, individually, had to come to terms with our own, personal worse and that surely no one answer would probably apply, I related how as I entered combat, this very thing, this fear of the worse happening, had played on my mind for some time early on in that period of my life. Naturally, we as soldiers had be trained mentally to withstand the rigors of such a situation, and to some extent, it helped, but still, as human beings, understanding our mortality had to be conquered in it's own right.
During the time I was directly in harms way, I determined early on that I could not live an entire year or more in such a high state of anxiety; there had to be a way to come to terms with the then hazardous duty situation. After a few weeks of being in that high state, only half sleeping, barley eating and fearing almost anything that moved, I finally decided that staying in such constant, anxious anticipation could actually set me up for the very thing I was trying to avoid. My own solution was to accept the fact that if something were going to happen, it would happen, and my steady agonizing over it would not help me or change the facts. I found I had to surrender to the idea that I really had no control here. There were some things about the situation I could not control, and there were other things I could control; I decided to concentrate on those things I could control. As I said to my daughter, after a time of struggling with this journey, I had come to the same conclusion, maybe we just have to try and concentrate on those things about it which we can actually do something about. In her case, continue to monitor her behavior and stay with the regular checkups; there are no guarantees, but at least she would know that she was doing what she could to promote the best outcome. I have  found no other solution for me...it appears it's working and that's what matters. As we talked, I added, that I really thought the bottom line solution was something we had to pull from within ourselves...trying to get some internal peace about our entire living experience. I pointed out that the things which were causing her worry now, were quite similar to those her mother and I had faced as we went about trying to guide her and her siblings through the years; it was as a reminder to her that she was not alone in this thinking, and that some measure of acceptance about it all was possible, and would come to her also.
Of course we all have our fears, those things which can totally unsettle us, it doesn't matter so much that we may choose not to share them with anyone, we are aware of them, they live within us.  Some, we may be able to come to terms with within our own selves, we appear to live with and somehow manage not to allow them to interfere with our daily lives. They remain in the background of our lives only poking through every so often. It may just be a part of the human condition and perhaps, our challenge is to not allow them to take control of our lives. Tho easier said than done, I'm thinking that is not a bad approach. For many of us, having had happen that which we consider the worse thing possible, a lot of fears may be put to rest; during that time of shock and disbelief we know that the occurrence of anything else will be a mere sideshow to the horror of the main even we have just witnessed. Attempting to sort through and put the idea of these fears in some perspective is another part of the journey we are forced to face. This may be as it should...facing another challenge of living, trying to assure ourselves that things will work out as we battle to control  our mind as it seems to want to take us from one source of worry to another. 

Over the more recent years, after the diagnosis, DJ and I talked about this often; altho at first we were more consumed with the more practical matters the situation presented as our minds would not let us go to thoughts of the end, eventually we did come to talk about the fear of dying. Knowing that there was no one, single answer, and that each of us has to come to our own conclusions about such a personal matter, we agreed that we shared a faith, and that for the most part we had pretty good reasons for maintaining that faith. In all of this, my purpose was mainly to reassure DJ that I was thinking beyond the day to day pedestrian things the illness presented; I wanted her to know that I was trying to imagine the test her faith was under and that just maybe, by doing this, it would help make things a bit easier for her, letting her know I was trying to share in the unsettling prospect of the unknown; tho thoroughly terrified myself, it was my attempt to help ease her fears concerning the inevitable conclusion that our life together was coming to. Altho I never mentioned it to anyone, especially DJ, one of my greatest fears was that her life would end with her delirious with fear, expressing her terror, screaming at the top of her lungs about not wanting to die or lamenting her worry about us...I honestly believe that I would not have survived being a witness to that display, fortunately that did not occur.
What I'm trying to get at here is not an exercise about religion or any notions of promoting faith one way or the other; I'm talking about our natural human fear of the unknown and how we try to deal with them. What I'm describing above was my way of approaching this as we faced the most traumatic event in our lives. Of course, for each of us, there were fears in our lives before the loss of our partners...fears about all types of things no doubt. Many of them probably had no relation to having faith or the like, but they were there; when we are faced with the prospect of losing someone so close to us, naturally our thoughts might turn in that direction, but I can remember being fearful of many other things...the thought of not getting a particular job I was interested in, maybe losing a work contract or thinking an action or event to which I really wanted a good outcome about, might not happen. During this journey there have been many instances where fear has attempted to rule, to chase away all efforts at rational thinking; times when it's presence has been so powerful as to be palpable.  Probably this is a natural result of all we have gone through, but I for one can attest to the power it can have in our lives. Trying to maintain or regain our balance against it can be a constant struggle; especially early on when shock and disbelief appear to be unwelcome guests whose stay seems like it will never end. Personally, I found it crippling for a time, it, having me waver as I peered through that open window, not sure of anything at that point, only that I was certain I would not survive the  bolts of shocking pain which ripped through me as I questioned almost every facet of my existence. Before, I would have turned to DJ, expressed what was happening with me, and altho maybe no answers may have been found, I could at least share my fears with someone whom I knew would listen even if full understanding escaped both of us; but now it was just me and the most dangerous entity to myself I personally am aware of, my own mind; and we felt completely lost. 
In being able to come to terms with it all, I accept as no extraordinary feat for me, it is accomplished by all of us here, but the human, personal aspect of acknowledging and facing that fear was something I now realize I personally had to confront head on without regard to what the results might be. In pointing all this out to my daughter, I reminded her that having and recognizing our fears can be a huge step in our personal development as well, and that in order to adapt and grow as human beings, it may be a necessary step. Perhaps our real challenge is to find solutions to deal with that idea of fear itself and to be able to move forward, being well aware of it, but by no means paralyzed simply because it exists. As we talked, I mentioned to her that I thought this life was all about overcoming our fears in order to live versus existing; we might be able to have an existence in fear, but for true, meaningful living, that I thought we had to try and have safe places for any fears we might have. What I say here is not new, nothing so great and profound, actually I think I used the conversation with my daughter to remind myself of the very things we were talking about...it is said this is a process, and of that, I am thoroughly convinced.
Along with many of the other things which grief brings to the forefront, fear has has to be among the top issues we might face. Fear of being alone, of how we will live forward, of just what will happen now. I can admit that some of my own fears included not only that of being alone for the duration, but, do I want to continue to live at, if I do, can I stay where I'm living now?  What will happen if I get sick? Who will be with me as my days draw to a close...and on. These things can drive us to our mind's end if allowed to run about unchecked; for me, looking at them with some honesty, openness and willingness was required, and altho some of the answers are elusive still, and others, not welcomed, they are not being dodged. Having always been fairly adept at avoiding things, it has taken some time for me go over these and try to find some livable answers. For now, that I am able to bring them into focus to be dealt with at all is enough; the answers to a lot of them I have concluded will take care of themselves, my thinking being that I can only control so much of the results of any of them, anyway. So, along with the many memories and feelings which have to be moved to safe places, so will this idea of fear and being so fearful. We will need to be able to go there with confidence that we won't be overwhelmed and that because of our belief in the next right thing and our desire to move forward, decisions concerning anything in there will be based on our own best interest from an honest approach.  
These days, I'm not overlooking the fears, I'm trying to face them in order that I might move forward in the different life, I have to. For me I have found that my desire to really live and the notion that fear can hold sway are not compatible in my mind; either I can exist in fear or I will live with hope, there's just no third way. Finding choosing to live more appealing, all my efforts are now focused in that direction and I am starting to see various hints of success...yes there is still the missing, the background sadness, and yes even still, some trepidation about the unknown which is built into living forward; but that has always been there and today they are not preventing me from seeing the possibilities of thoroughly enjoying this gift of life whatever it might bring, and...attempting to maintain a resolve that makes hopeful living forward a prospect to embrace, freely...without fear...and without fearing, fear.

In tITlements

As we all learn, it is curious, this journey we are forced to make because of the loss of our partners, how our reactions to the once small and seemingly insignificant things can often take our minds to many different levels of joy or despair, mainly depending on at just what point we are in our individual journeys. For the past 90 days or so, my own trek has been on the upswing, yes, there has been the expected days of quiet sadness, the powerful missing and moments where the shock of ''...did that really happen..??'' turns to ''...yeah, that shit really happened..'', returns for a brief appearance, but for the most part, this time for me has seen the generation of much more positive and uplifting thoughts and emotions. Safe places for memories have been located and those memories placed there, available for revisit without the gut wrenching pain once offered by them. It is a tremendous relief not to be afraid of one's own thoughts and feelings.

The other day, while disposing of some old papers which are no longer needed, I came across some documents which brought to mind a time in our life when we faced the challenges all young couples probably have; the everyday living of trying to plan, work, raise and enjoy children yet still find time to like one another. Ours was a situation not so unheard of, DJ worked at night as an operator for the large telephone company, I spent my working days shuffling invoices for a still popular electronics outfit. The kids and I shared the nights together, and I took them to the sitter in the mornings for a part of the day while DJ slept. We had the evenings together most nights from about 7 or 8 pm until she would leave for work at about 10 pm. That time was normally spent confirming what needed to be done for the next day, at that time, many parents provided their own milk and food for the sitters; we would check on each other...you know, living. Now, at the time we only had one car, and my job was over 25 miles away...one way; I would walk DJ to the car at night when she went to work, get the car the next morning when she got in, and I would take the kids to the sitter and head to my job. That car was our life line in the most basic of ways; the papers I came across played an important part in what I think was a very special moment in our relationship. We had bought the car with a down payment of a little over five hundred dollars in small bills, with me thinking that a salesman seeing a wad of money would never let us leave the showroom walking. An installment agreement was made and we left there with a fairly late model car...with what we came to see as our life line. Through some mix up at the dealer's offices, the original title to the car was sent to us in my name, instead of the finance company which was backing the loan. When it had arrived, DJ and I looked at each other and debated what we would do; we knew what we should do, but...we continued to make payments of course and ignored letters inquiring about it from the finance company...of course.

One Friday morning DJ called me early...earlier than the regular time she called to let me know she was on her way home, the car wouldn't move; she said it had started o.k., but when she put in in gear, nothing. Well I knew what that meant and told her she would have to hop a bus home and I would make arrangements to have it towed. I called my job, explained what was going on, called a well known transmission repair concern and had the car towed; then hopped a bus myself, taking the kids to the sitter. By the time I returned to our apartment DJ was there and the car was at the shop. We talked over coffee, trying to decide just what we were going to do. We knew the cost of a repair would be more than what we had available, and we were near panic. As DJ worked downtown, riding the bus was an option for her, I would just have to walk her to the bus stop. For me, with my job being in the suburbs, this was a near disaster, I would have to leave way too early for the sitter if were to take the trains. My stomach was in knots, what the hell were we going to do? That Friday nite passed with no call from the repair shop, more anxiety...the next day I got a call; the transmission needed to be replaced. I can think of many things to do on a Saturday afternoon including multiple dentist visits which probably would have left me feeling a lot better than I did, trying to figure out just what to do. We decided that in the worse case, each of us would go to our parents for a share of the cost, but my mind was still racing, I really didn't want to have to do that. I knew DJ was expecting me to come up with a solution, and I really had none at hand. Later that nite I could not sleep, I felt so helpless, it became too much; I sat up in bed, looked at DJ as she slept; I thought about her having to ride that bus late at nite, I couldn't ride with her and leave the two kids alone. Tears began rolling down my face; soon I was trying to stifle sobs which woke DJ, she looked at me and I could see the panic in her eyes as she asked what was going on. Through the sobs I babbled about not being able to take care of my family and not knowing what the hell to do...she held me, and said we would work it out; we talked a while and eventually  fell asleep. Sure, it was just a car problem, but for me, it was the worse thing that could happen to upset our then, fragile lifestyle.

That Sunday as we ate breakfast my mind was still racing...at some point I remembered that we had the title to the car; things became somewhat clearer,my mind's wheels were turning. As we finished eating, I told DJ that the next morning I was going to start calling loan companies; someone was going to float us a loan of the money we needed. That did happen, we managed to get enough from a personal loan company with that title as collateral, to cover the cost of the repair and tho we did have to ride the bus for a few days, kids in tow, while the car was repaired, we made it through that stretch. What I remember most tho is that nite when DJ and I sat in that bed and I cried and we talked and tried to reassure one another and decide just what we could do. I did not know it then, but that was a very special moment for us; later she would tell me that it was one of the few times she could remember really seeing fear in my eyes. As I looked over those documents relating to that episode all this came to mind, but it did not make me sad...it reminded me of how fortunate I have been to have had her in my life. I can't explain to others how DJ and I felt about one another and I don't try to, I know I like her very much, and in many ways over the years, she showed me she felt the same about me. Looking at those papers and remembering this brought smiles to my face as I remembered how good we both felt later, having weathered what to us was a major storm, not having to go to our parents, not finding fault in each other, but focusing on a common problem and then doing the next best thing; doing what we thought we had to for things to work out for our young family. Altho she and I talked about that time often, later, I relly miss having her here to go over it just once more, miss her, but not to the point of the crippling pain these days, just the hurt of missing, and the accompanying sadness, which no doubt, will always be there; but the upswing continues.

We used that car for another couple years and actually paid it off before it was sent the way of a lot of vehicles; one nite, while parked in front of our house, it was unceremoniously slammed into by a drunken sailor home on leave, that's true about the drunken sailor. It sat behind our house for a week before the insurance company for the owner of the other car came and towed it to their adjustment center, we had another car by then and there was no panic this time. A few days later, we got a call saying the car was a total loss and that as soon as we brought them the title we could have the check. Well, after explaining that the title was still with the loan company, they cut a check for them, and I retrieved the title and we got a check for the balance. For myself, I'm taking coming across those papers at this time, when I am feeling better and better as an indication of how important those small things can be. For me it is a marker that real progress in being made, and that maybe, just maybe the path may be getting easier to follow.  If found earlier in my journey, they may had led me to the type of meltdown I have not experienced in some time; instead they reminded me of how fortunate I have been in many ways, really, how special having DJ in my life really was, how the memory of her is in a very safe place. It helps me to know why she will never be far from me in my heart and mind. 

With determination to maintain the upswing, I continue to try and find the happy in whatever I can these days. It is my hope that we all can reach a point where those various things large, small, whatever, can bring us the memories which allow us to really appreciate what has been our fortune to have experienced in our lives with our partners, all of it. Understanding that everything has a place and time, I want this time to be that which I can feel better about being in this place of the journey. I want that for all of us who are faced with the memories which can be triggered by the many things left which we shared with our special partners, in fact, I think we are entitled to.