Limb, Oh

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Most of us have heard that oft posed query, an online reference site states that it is ‘a philosophical thought experiment which raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality.‘  Altho I know absolutely nothing about philosophy beyond the fact that most folks claim to have one, or several, I have experimented with being observant and grief has expanded my knowledge of what is real. Recently, our area had undergone a prolonged period of constant rain, this lasted for days. Many areas nearby were subject to severe flooding and the rain caused other problems as well. In our backyard there sits an moderately large tree; I have no idea what type it is or how old it might be; I measured the circumference of it’s trunk with a Tailor’s tape and it came out to 99 inches. As I say, it is moderately large. A portion of that tree about 16 feet in length decided to return to earth in the early morning hours; it landed right in front of the set of stairs at our back door, just missing the house and the steps and finally coming to rest against one of the railings. Neither the house nor the steps were damaged; however, the large glass patio table which we sat around during the summer was totally destroyed with hundreds of small tell-tale chunks of tempered glass everywhere, and the metal frame was twisted beyond recognition. Having only recently asserted my belief that signs from our deceased partners are a real possibility ‘sIghs & sIgns’, March 23, 2013), I at first flirted with the idea that DJ had been privy to a dream I had about the widow who lives a couple of blocks over from here and that maybe she was sending me a message, but I quickly dismissed the thought; the tree had missed the house, DJ will not be that subtle. That all this occurred on a Tuesday morning shortly after 2 a.m.(the same day and near the time) nearly 18months after DJ’s death may all be a coincidence. I don’t know.

You may well ask what all this has to do with grief and our journey through it. I will try to explain what thoughts were triggered in my mind by this event. Firstly, I did not observe that tree section fall, but I do know the resultant reality of the mess it created in doing so. Power was lost and the phone line carrying the Hi-Speed service was knocked out. Knowing that my cell phone can access the internet is probably the only thing which kept me from going into complete panic mode. Branches, bark, downed telephone and power lines and other debris littered the area just outside our back door and the reality is that a fairly large cleanup was necessary. Second, I did not ever hear the sound of the tree section falling, let alone that of the breaking glass table; I slept through it all. What I believe did wake me was the total silence in our bedroom and in the entire house…and maybe the absence of the flickering light from the TV screen and its sound. The hum of the computer was also missing. Dressing by the glow given off by a flashlight, I prepared to go to my daughter’s house, she lives across the street. As I did this I thought about how I was feeling so matter-of-fact about everything; I wasn’t hurrying about, my mind wasn’t racing in a hundred directions all at once, and since my main concern had been about the house, and it was o.k., I was ready to make the necessary calls and go back to sleep! Before, I don’t think I would have been so passive with DJ around, I can imagine what the scene may have been like. But the reality is that she isn’t, it was just me. Letting myself in at my daughter’s, I had been a bit leery about calling her, it was way past 2 a.m., and we all know the thoughts that can go through our minds when calls come in the middle of the night. After gently waking her to let her know I was in the house as I did not want to become an accident, I made a couple of calls to the utilities and stretched out on the couch. Trying to pick up where I had left off sleeping, the tree question came to mind.
I had observed the tree of DJ’s dying and not only did it make a tremendous sound in the forest of our family as it fell, it shook the very foundation into which all our roots have fixed themselves. Being there to witness as she took her final breath and to live the reality introduced following that occurrence requires no degree in philosophy or any other discipline for me to recognize the hell which, for a while, has been part of our different lives. Unlike that tree section, DJ’s return to the physical earth did not barely miss, it crashed right down upon us, flattening and pressing us into and even through the lowest depths of which some cannot, but I know many of you can, make that leap of imagination. As I lay there in the quiet morning hours thinking about how like that tree, our own family’s growth had been sturdy and strong with solid roots anchored in caring, crying, discord, disruptions and love…in living, we too have lost a large part of ourselves. Like that tree, with branches outstretched, reaching, extending itself out and upwards, I think our family, with roots nourished by DJ, also still stands strong and sure, tho missing a portion of itself; for a while, enjoying the fruits of her good health and mostly kind demeanor which allowed her to be there for us and others and how, by example, she helped me personally to become more aware of the feelings of others. It reminded me that this is a part of process of the very nature of our living and although a sad part for we who remain, I think it is as it should be. Knowing and saying all of that does not mean we have to like it. 18 months ago I could not conceive of even thinking this way, but as a result of what the different life demands, today I can; not easily, not without tears sometimes, but also, not with so much pain either. To me, it’s an interesting dynamic of our human minds that we can articulate our understanding of the continuum of this natural ebb and flow, but emotionally our entire psyche rails against it when it hits home. That’s life…and death.

Like the cleanup and reorganizing required after that portion of the tree fell in our backyard, so the cleaning,  examination and shifting of thoughts about the memories and the emotions they can trigger appears to be necessary for our minds. That we are slammed hard is not in doubt, we are not like the earth which appears to be unaffected and seems to have absorbed the impact of that tree part; our emotional groundwork is broken by the hit of death and as we all know, the aftershocks can continue for quite some time. Trying to deal with the cascade of memories, attempting to understand just how we are to fit in with the different life, watching, as everything appears to want to swamp us all at once…experiencing the terror and fear which can grip us early on and remain for some time and the sheer helplessness we can feel at times, all, can lead us to wonder if we will ever return to any semblance of normalcy. That missing section of the tree presents a different view of the immediate world around it from our back steps now, not good or bad, just different. DJ’s absence from our lives and especially mine, now presents a different scenario to me and the family also; It is taking everything within me to try and look at it as not good or bad, but part of that natural flow, but I am not sure just how well I am succeeding, the journey continues.

For me, I know, intellectually it is important that I be able to do this, to accept DJ’s death as part of the natural progression of life, but at my most basic human emotional level I am concerned it may not happen. At times I fear that those periods of mental confusion, when the jolts of reality from the falling of our tree hit hard and I feel overwhelmed, that I will fall prey to the whims of my own mind. It is a running struggle for sure.  Now, I am the only one who can observe it there, in my own mind; but I understand the reality that I am not alone in the struggle and that we are not quite done yet. I understand that in order to remain honest in all of this, I have to make the attempt to clean away those things which can no longer serve me. Simple to say, not so easy to do. As the journey continues we try to find inspiration within and draw on the experience of others to help in believing in hope for the future.
As I drifted towards sleep and all of this filtered through my mind, I heard something fall, it was one the loafers I had half slipped off when I first laid on the couch, and the reality was that it was now time for me to get up.

WeCoverWe

“You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake

It is not unusual for us to remember what we doing or where we were on certain dates, times of momentous events, or special occasions. For me, I know exactly what I was doing on this day 23 years ago…finishing off the last of a pint of scotch with tall cans of beer as a chaser. This was the swan song to a drinking career which had lasted over 20 years; somehow DJ had managed to remain with me as I hit each rung on the ladder of unmanageability in regards to my life. As there is no clear cut answer anyone else might understand as to why she did this, going into details here would serve no good purpose. And the fact is that I’m am not fully aware of why either; that it was ‘love’, to whatever extent that is meant, is bantered around and accepted as a coverall answer for the most part. In my own conversations with DJ on this very point, the answers have ranged from an all telling snort to “The Look”; those of you not familiar with this look are either single men or married men who have been perfect. Suffice to say it speaks more words than any picture could ever hope to be worth. The closest thing to which I can compare it to is the look your mother might give you when you are being disruptive somewhere out in public and she cannot get her hands on you for physical correction. I long ago had just accepted that she was with me and left the reasons to the winds. Naturally DJ incurred much scorn for having stayed, both from family and friends, but she only slightly ever wavered in her faith in me, and I know and Knew I was very fortunate to have her in my life. At any rate, on this day those years ago, I was waiting to ride to work with my aunt, she worked at a large VA facility and I hoped to try and enter a treatment program there. This was being done on my on volition, none of my family had pushed for me to do so at any time, and DJ had not this particular time. The previous night I had narrowly averted blowing my brains out; I had been forced to come face to face with myself and choices had been made. That night as I sat in the basement of a finished project we had been working on, drinking, checking the work, gathering the last of our gear, I had been struck by how hopeless my life appeared to be. Coming to the conclusion that I had not, in all the previous years made an honest attempt at sobriety, I had chose to actually commit to it. That is how I ended up at my family’s house where my aunt lived…waiting for that ride. Altho I had stopped by the apartment DJ and I lived in and placed the check for the work in our passbook (ATM’s were a novelty at the time), I had not awakened her; during that time it was not unusual for me to do ‘’all niters’’ at the various projects…ostensibly because of early completion bonuses, but really it was for me to be able to imbibe away from DJ’s scrutiny. My efforts to secure a bed in that facility have been detailed elsewhere (Widowed Village Blog, SameDifference - October 10, 2012), I did obtain a bed, and treatment began. The next taste of alcohol I had would come over 21 years later as DJ and I had a sip on the New Year’s eve the year before she died, as I say, we knew. I needed her to see me take that drink and know that I did not act a damn fool afterwards; we enjoyed that nite and the next day without incident.
 Over the years since that night and morning trip, and especially during the last four of DJ’s life we talked about that period of our lfe, each of us trying to gain some final perspective on all we had lived together. It is understood by me just how fortunate we were to be able to do this, even tho at times it was quite painful and passions did rise. Over the long term I’m sure it helped us, as towards the very end there was no need for desperate apologies by me or for DJ to expend energy trying to get me to understand just how all of it had affected her; almost all of the necessary things had been said; we knew. That is something I am grateful for today, not having this among all the other emotional hurdles has been a blessing. For sure my behavior had a major impact not only on DJ, but on our kids, our families and even some friends, but this entire attempt at relating this here was spurred by an incident which happened to a current friend of mine; she too had been in a similar situation sharing what DJ had endured. Some notes were found by her, relating to recovery and really struck an emotional nerve, bringing up memories which I can only imagine for the most part, but, thanks to DJ, I do have some idea about what she might be going through. And the attempt is not to portray DJ as some long suffering wife with the heart of a saint…as with a lot of things I do these days, this is initiated by self interest, first. In trying to fully understand going forward in the different life I understand that I need to find safe places for all of this, places where the thought of them do not send me scrambling back to that basement and the frame of mind which I know resides there.
Now, I can go over the conversations we had and not be consumed with the guilt that can cause an erosion of the mental peace we all so desperately seek. Knowing that DJ was able to let me know what she felt, about the ups the downs, the disappointments, the times of despair that I was a driving force behind, when she felt as tho the storm would never end…all of it, is help making the finding of safe places easier. As confirmation of this I will say this; all the conversations were not gentle, not to or for either of us, nor were they all pretty, they could not have been, the topic wasn’t pretty. But I do believe that because we knew that the illness would have it’s way, they were honest at the most basic level and that the colorful language used by DJ to emphasize one point or another, or to describe me at various times, does not detract from the seriousness or the integrity of what was said. As I say, this is an exercise for me, the program I subscribe to suggests that in order to maintain good sobriety and a healthy mental balance, at any given time I should be willing to tell; 1. how it was…2. what happened…3. what it’s like now; this is all designed to help Me. Along the journey, as I sort through the memories and emotions generated by them I am attempting to gain that peace of mind. As with the time those 23 years ago it is about entering and trying to understand a different way of life, only now, it is without DJ, and for the most part, entering it alone. When I had made the decision to take that ride with my aunt, I did not tell DJ, no call, no note left; I knew it would not mean anything to her, why should it? she had heard it all before. This is when I really started to do things For Me and not because of external forces, and for certain, things of this particular nature have to come from inside the person if there is to be any chance of success. Later, towards the end of that first day there, I was able to call her and let her know where I was. I pointed out that although I had been told the time frame was X amount of days, there was no guarantee when I would be home, if ever; in my mind I went in thinking I might not ever be back on the streets, not unescorted in any case. There were some tears on her end and words of encouragement, suffering from the early stages of alcohol withdrawal I was only barely able to be coherent, but what needed to be said was said.
Most of us understand the fundamentals of treatment and there is no need to detail them here, but what I will state is that I found a parallel which I could use to help deal with grief. What I did realize through treatment was that I did not know all the answers and that was o.k.; that for me to have any chance at success with treatment, I had to become teachable, and I have found the same to be true in dealing with grief, being able to accept the facts concerning the process has made the difference for me; both processes require me to be kind to myself, first; that notions of strength and any good it might do me may be misplaced; that it is not the lack of any willpower that is holding me from moving forward, but possibly the mis-use of that willpower that may create problems; that attempting to take shortcuts or rushing the process can only result in my extending the pain; that just as my body had to be purged of the chemicals which had become poisonous to it, those toxic memories had to be brought forward and expelled also; that a simple approach was best, even for such a complicated issue as addiction, don't want to be drunk, don't drink, it suggested simple, not easy, so I found the ''...be kind to yourself, drink plenty of water, eat when you can and rest, if not sleep...'' suggestions for dealing with grief to be very effective for me. The similarities could go on, but I think the point is evident, having some basic tools to work with can help us to deal with even the most complicated of human dilemmas, at least I'm finding that to be true; again, I can only speak of my own journey and I have found this to be best for me. Issues regarding self recrimination and guilt are part of both processes and how we deal with them have a direct impact on our results I think. That too varies, for me I had a lot of guilt for a long time about the booze, but felt virtually no guilt in relation to DJ's death, if any, only that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. The only saving grace about that last line is that one of the processes may have been prevented, the other one will occur for all of us, despite ours or anyone ele's best efforts.
As I think about that day…and today, I am able to do so with an amazing amount of peace. The normal days that usually cause us distress, birthdays, anniversary’s &ct. come around for everyone and I am not exempt from them. But as each of our journeys are special and different, so are the particular days that can really take us to that place of…not so much of pain, but a place of somber melancholic reflection.  So it is with today,  it is easy for me to accept that the decision made that day was the most important of my life as not having made it, I’m convinced that I would not be here today. Now, later, after some time has elapsed since DJ died, I can better relate to trying to gain some familiarity with this different life just as I had to do before. Altho the circumstance are completely different, the goal of the exercise appears to be the same; to engage in living forward and being open to new attitudes and ideas about a different life we have no experience with. We all face things going forward that previously we had no idea of, or even could have thought existed. For me, like before it’s a scary proposition, this going forward to an uncertain future. But as I now realize, if we have chosen to live, we must  continue. Knowing this, I am trying to take the ups an downs coming with the unknown as things which in the end, or I should say, before the end, will sort themselves out and will develop into a satisfying life. Having faith in that Higher Power which I believe has helped me maintain a clear head over these years, allows me to better practice the idea of trying to do something about the things which I can control and being aware of those I cannot.
To be clear, this missive is not an appeal seeking congratulatory comments, if fact you will find that the option to comment has been removed in this particular post as I feel any remarks regarding the time sober not necessary. Its purpose is for me to try and sort in my mind and put into some coherent form a particular part of my life about which I am neither proud nor ashamed, it simply, is. The fact that I choose to restrict comments is due more to my own feelings about my behavior, and about which I am still ambivalent, having not totally forgiven myself for behaving so poorly at times. Here, I am trying to articulate the facts and effect it had on our relationship as it pertains to the illness DJ suffered through, and my emotional framework following her death. It really goes more to the idea of our human spirit, all of us, more than anything else, it is reminding me that at the most basic level, when facing those times which can offer the most profound trials, maybe it comes down to our having to be rigorously honest with ourselves in order to gain any reward of solace. This story theme is not unique to me, only the particulars, but that note my friend found which reflected the staggering odds against a successful life after addiction brought all this to mind. It reminded me of how, despite ,everything, how fortunate I truly have been. It brought tears to my eyes to consider that this dear friend and her partner did not get the opportunity that DJ and I did; that opportunity to discuss, fight, cry, cuss, laugh, and finally come to a mutual understanding about what had happened…and especially because they were deprived of the after time, when for DJ and myself, many hopes and dreams were realized, but more importantly, we came to understand one another in an entirely different light, and from that understanding a bond and trust grew which resulted in our total dedication to one another, win, lose or draw.
In my life, today, this has been distilled right down to where the need or desire for anyone else to speak of how good or bad of a thing this was,has been removed in a lot of ways. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, good, bad or indifferent, I know, more importantly, I know DJ knows and in the final analysis that’s all that really matters. Once many years ago while I was still practicing, during the midst of a heated discussion, DJ asked me why I continued to drink; at the time I remember telling her ''...I don't know..'', I recall thinking at the time, it was the most honest answer I could give. Then, DJ didn't think so, and she let me know that. Later, as her time wound down and we spoke of all this I again mentioned that I still really didn't know why, but at this point, we both agreed it really didn't matter. Above all else I am fairly certain of one thing; of all the fears and doubts DJ may have had in those last days, my taking a drink in reaction to her death was not one of them.  So I am grateful for the time, the years of not drinking, but I am even more grateful that they were spent with DJ in an atmosphere of caring and what I call love...that is sorely missed. It is great tho, to be able to extract the gift of better understanding and a measure of peace from the carnage grief can bring to us, I'm finding it's worth the work.

Two Realer

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
-Lao Tzu


In the midst of this second year of DJ's absence I'm finding things quite different than last year this time; then there was the anticipation of all the 'firsts' that were to come, added to the already distressingly sad situation. But those times came and went with a lot of the emotional upheavals present which has been mentioned by others...the sadness, the tears, the soul wrenching moments of a seemingly complete loss of self. The moments, memories and days; the seasonal events: all passed, taking their toll as they, like ourselves have their turn and move on. We all know the terms of the ride, the highs and lows, and the layout for the course where the  emotional laps are taken. Personally, I came to find that what many had said was true and that did help in negotiating the twists and turns involved. Most of those same people, many being further away for the date of their loss than I, have said the 2nd year was in some ways 'harder'. Understanding that for many of us, good, bad...right, wrong...hard, easy, all have somewhat lost any real meaning for a while, I'm finding it to be not so much hard, as different; I think because of a sense of deeper realization, if that's possible.
From the second DJ died, everything I did I was doing for the first time, alone...everything. This was all challenging, especially facing those special moments and events to which I closely associate her being present to add the comfort familiarity can bring. The mental struggles were faced and dealt with as best as possible and still are...using all available support, after a while, I attempted to find comfort in those memories I could trust myself to have and worked to convince myself that yes, things would work out, all with varying degrees of success, but they would work out. Entering this stretch of the journey, for me, this sense of deep realization appears to stand foremost in my mind. It come at times, delivering a series of quick, stabbing blows to my senses, reminding me that yes, yes, it did happen, the fact does exist, and...we are living it. This has been experienced before, this shocking jolt of powerful reality, early on, and often. But now for some reason, altho it's the same fact, the backdrop for processing the knowledge and moving through it appears changed and I'm sure it has...that backdrop would have had to have changed I venture, because I have changed. For good or bad, better or worse will have to be determined later, possibly by others, as of now what I can say is that I know and recognize that I am different. Realizing that the everyday living is occurring and that I am participating in it is odd; things get done...work attended, bills paid, even rooms being cleaned...sometimes, meeting with family and friends, it all happens with the realization that this is life, now. The presence of DJ's absence is everywhere, but it is becoming a lot easier to deal with. That itself was difficult enough to get a handle on at first, being comfortable with the idea that she is no longer here; but I did. Realizing that it will soon be two years since all this began is coming with mixed emotions as one might expect. Those early fears of thinking I might somehow forget things about DJ and about all we did and lived, has moved on. The nagging thought that I would somehow forget her voice, her smile and laugh ran rampant in my mind during those early days. At that time I felt the overwhelming need to constantly talk about her and the life we lived. It was fortunate for me that my oldest daughter lived nearby and we did talk about DJ and about how we thought her death was affecting us. We did this incessantly for those first weeks when shock and the fog of grief held us in it's unforgiving hands. Many times we hear the stories where those we once thought of as friends and even our families appear to avoid mention of our partners for fear of upsetting us...I do not think they realize that for some of us, in that early time, all we want to do is to immerse ourselves in the memories and talk, and laugh, and cry about the joy we know we have lost, with it all seeming less painful by sharing this with someone else, rather than alone. These days, with the new routine becoming more familiar, clearer thinking is prevailing despite the ongoing background sadness and unbelievable sense of missing; I will not speak to the loneliness, each of us have our own description for that private hell I'm sure.
The anticipation of this second year was not as fretful as facing some of those things which may have made the year of firsts so difficult at times. Wondering how it will feel to have this date pass or that event to come and go without DJ is not necessary, I know how that feels and not liking it is just one of many feelings I have about all of it. Thinking about the memories the holidays, birthdays, and life event days can be painful, but I've found it no more painful now, in general, than the fact that DJ is dead and the misery that truth causes me. Perhaps it is just me or maybe that's the way the journey goes, at any rate, having made the decision to try to ''be happy'', I feel I'm moving, to where is yet to be determined. Recently I came across some items which I know for sure, last year, would have sent me reeling; now, I am able to just sigh...and remember and maybe shed a few tears of deep sadness, but I do all this with a different feeling now; it is not like the thoughts and emotions from early on when I just knew those feelings would never cease causing me pain, now, I understand that the pain and sadness will be felt, must be felt, but it does not have to linger, at least not for me now. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is what we have, just different, much like us. I thought about a point during the illness when we had (for us anyway) a spectacular period of time; DJ was holding her own medically, other things in our life were going well, and altho we understood the bottom line, we were enjoying the hell out of life. At the end of one great and busy day during those last four years, as I sat in the rocker in our room and she reclined on the lounger, our eyes met...we looked at each other for a few seconds and then, both of us burst out laughing...we laughed for quite a while...tearing in the end, but still laughing. Finally I got up and hugged her and we to get us something to drink, we didn't say a word. To this day I could not tell you what made us laugh, but that we could do so at all, somehow made us both feel better I think. That is one of many memories I can have today without so much pain. Last year, I probably could not have been convinced that I would ever be able to have that come to mind and still remain in one piece, in fact, I had not thought of that incident until now.
I'm finding that my natural contrariness and once mis-heralded abitlity to know everydamnthing is of no use to me now. Not knowing the intricacies of the process, at first I was unable to recognize the spontaneity of the instance and to remember the essence the natural things in life present; living, loving, laughing, dancing, and dying. Attempting to force the situation to bend to my will in those first days and weeks, I found myself as I'm sure many of us do, wanting to feel the hurt and pain not only all at once, but right now; have it and be done with it. If there was crying to be done, I needed to do it then and all of it too...three rivers of tears if necessary and float on them and find whatever the hell waited at the end. But grief does not cooperate like that, it's process has it's own meter and pace; from experience I can say, woe unto those who fail to recognize this. So in those early times I was ravaged by the roller coaster of emotions; my inability to understand the flow and accept the reality that moves with it, led me to the edge of self destruction. For all my wishing and railing and crying and moaning and pleading and cussing and promising, I found no relief. My wish to have it come and go really fast, did not come true.
The quote above suggests that we might want to understand that life presents us with instances of change and that it may be best to not to try and resist it, letting us know that doing so can only cause sorrow. For this particular quote, I can attest to the wisdom it offers; after a couple of months of sheer agony from trying to do things my way, I was forced to yield, to accept that each step had to be taken, but in doing so, I also found that they led to better understanding and an ability to have some measure of hope again. We have all heard and can understand the old saw about that which does not bend, will break, but the emotional saturation of pain caused by the loss of our partners blocks us from calling on these type of things early on...the pain is so fresh, our mental nerve endings so raw that we are unable to utilize the most basic of the necessary tools for a while. So it was with me; I understand now that I could not absorb the total impact of the loss all at once, I don't think any of us can, thus the process, maybe it allows us integrate what has occurred over a period of time, possibly, so as not to overwhelm us. You may notice that the quote makes no mention of the rate of flow, yet does state that resistance can cause sorrow, as with most things the process moves at it's own pace. 
Today reality flows in my life and the ship continues it's course; I am a willing passenger on it. The different life is taking it's shape with me molding myself to the parts I can, trimming a bit of the edges off where necessary to accommodate the way of life as it exists now, trying to fit in those spaces I can and learning to gain some peace in the process. Perhaps if we can remember, when we are able to, that letting reality be reality is an approach that we may take as we travel along the path. It takes time to reach this point maybe, but still, there are  no shortcuts for us. But for those who can hear, it does get better, the pain eases and with a bit of work on our part we can begin to see the way ahead better, we can come to believe in hope for the different life. This is not to say it's easy, but it is possible; and to me that's the key; if i can admit and accept the concept of the reality of life, and choose the idea that life implies the possible, then I can direct my efforts in negotiating the passage with a new calmness, despite whatever may come.
That being said, I also have to accept that DJ's absence is in reality a part of this natural flow and that my moving forward has to be as natural and as certain as I know that fact to be.

Through a Glass...

  

“I used to live in a room full of mirrors
All I could see was me
Then I take my spirit and I smash my mirrors
And now the whole world is here for me to see
Now I’m searching for my love to be . . . “

                            (Room Full Of Mirrors -Jimi Hendrix - Rainbow Bridge (1971))

There's a black what-not holder which sits in our bathroom, presently it contains a couple of brushes and combs which DJ used, there’s also a hand mirror sharing the space. That container has been in it’s current spot since DJ died, it’s not in the way and the things in it do not send me scrambling for the covers, not today anyway. It’s moved on the rare occasion I lift it to wipe the spot where it sits, other than that, it and the things in it have not been touched since I put them there that morning. There is nothing particularly special about the container or the items which reside there other than the memories they can trigger for me…especially the hand mirror. At one time it occupied a spot on the table which sat next to the lounger DJ used, it and a large wooden breakfast tray which served as a holding area for the things DJ needed; daily medications, the Den-Tips she used, her eye glasses, the Fentany…syringes for the liquid Morphine she might require…among other things. On that tray there was also a small, round travel mirror/brush combo DJ made use of during those final weeks. At various times I would watch as she picked up the mirror, open her mouth, as if checking her tongue and throat; when I asked one time was she alright, she told me it felt as if something was stuck in her throat and she wanted to see what it was. She did this a lot that last week or so...I've concluded it was the effects of her body starting to shut down as she never discovered anything there. Earlier, when she told me this, I had thought the small round mirror wasn’t enough, and had bought the hand mirror hoping this would make it easier for her to see. As I looked at the mirror now, sitting in that container, I noticed the price tag was still on it; it dawned on me that I had never seen DJ use that mirror. That had not occurred to me before this. For sure she did the checking of her mouth because I remember thinking ‘’…why is she still using that small mirror…’, but the answer was unimportant at the time and just a passing thought. The morning DJ died and I rearranged some of the things in our room, I had put that hand mirror in that container and forgot all about it after placing it in the bathroom. When I thought of all of this now, an answer for me began to form in my mind; it may not be accurate but it’s something I can live with and has made me think more in terms of myself and my attitude towards others.   
DJ’s appearance for the most part remained constant throughout the four years of her illness; she maintained her weight, only had minor hair loss from the treatments, and the Chemo did not really cripple her. She kept her full, round facial features and her eyes stayed bright. Towards the end, the final month or so, there was a significant change in her face, circles appeared below her eyes, and her features became drawn. My answer to her use of the small mirror is that she really didn’t want to use the larger one…the small round one only gave her a view of her mouth area; the larger one would have reflected her entire facial image and perhaps she just didn’t want to see that. As I say, I really don’t know, it’s an answer I’m taking and putting in that safe place…I can live with it; it may seem as a small thing to others, but for me I’m glad to have an answer and a place for it.
  But all this really got me to thinking about myself, or, about my behavior and attitudes and about looking at myself, both before DJ died and afterwards. It is a known fact in our family circle that I really didn’t give much thought about others outside of that circle; or their feelings, situations and the rest. If they didn’t have a direct impact on my life, I didn’t bother with thinking time about them; it was  “ We Five” and screw the rest of them. It is not clear to me how all this developed in my life, my folks didn’t make a point of raising me that way, but I’m sure it began after I returned from overseas. After months of having to think along the line of me first, I think it would only be natural I should feel that way…at least for a while. But I know I held on to that mindset, never being fully able to expand my true concern for folks beyond my own family. I’m not sure it’s something to be proud of, but I don’t beat myself up about it either; it’s the way I thought, and although now, I have a different view, I managed to get along fairly well.  After Dj died, this all changed…finding myself at a total loss for any meaningful answers, I was overcome with the despair grief can bring to us. Being lost, bewildered and actually feeling breathtaking terror as I had not known for years brought me not only the brink of ending my life, but also, with support, to a different understanding of myself and my life. Expanding on what Hendrix says, for years I lived not only in a room, but an entire world filled with mirrors, and for sure all I could see was me. The knowledge gained through treatment for booze had helped some, but still I maintained a cynicism of most people and an air of contempt for others which was surely not deserved; since this mostly took place inside my thinking it only caused a few problems…that and the fact that I avoided getting too involved with others, I rarely exerted myself in the needs of others…they had their problems, but I had my own.
Now, having to examine the life DJ and I shared before, and all that took place after the diagnosis, I am forced to view the reflection I cast at the different times. Before, the mirror I held was like the small one which appears to have given DJ comfort in using; it allowed me to only see myself and I appeared large and imposing, my image filling the entire reflective area, not revealing much beyond me. It was a time when there was no room in that frame for thinking too much of other people, a time when almost all of my thoughts, and most of my actions were geared towards me and mine, consequences be dammed. I know we all need to have a generous supply of self interest, but what I’m talking about here is something beyond that and I can say this because it’s about me and about what I came to realize as a result of DJ having died. If I had not discovered others with a more giving nature I am not sure I would be typing this today. This is not to say I went out of my way to create or cause problems for others, no, the stance I took was more in line with what a New York Senator once described as our government’s policies towards some of it’s less fortunate citizens. The Senator had said that those folks were the victims of an attitude exhibiting benign neglect,  and at the time it had caused a mini-firestorm of responses, but I think it accurately describes how I felt about the concerns of others. For her part, DJ went a long way in helping me to be more aware of the feelings and needs of others, that I saw her actually practice it often did have some effect on me. Tho able to raise hell at a moments notice, and known to rail at seemingly small things, at heart, she was a most compassionate person. So much so that a few Christmases ago she announced to the family that except for one gift each, our normal Christmas was being cancelled, instead we would be donating it; the family next door was in dire straits, and with small children in the house, they needed our Christmas more than we did...besides, she said, we had enjoyed so many great ones; so it was. At that time, altho I was doing better in the human relations department in general, I was not amused.
 Today, since and during the ongoing of the serious self examination, I am finding that my own reflection is different, larger, expanding. Unlike DJ whom, seemingly, for better or worse, had no need to see beyond that fraction of her own self for a multitude of reasons, I find that large mirror in my hand and now I have a view which encompasses a lot more of my life and the lives of those around me. In a way, for me, that small view was smashed…by DJ’s spirit mostly, I’m thinking… perhaps some my own…more likely, a combination of the two, and by the resulting pit of grief I found myself in and the things I am learning about myself as I wallow at the bottom of that pit and struggle to get clear of it. Being easy or difficult to do does not come into play for me, this stands as a fact of my life today and debates on those types of things are rarely done by me now; attempts are made to make sense of and understand them and they are dealt with as best I can. It is refreshing to be unburdened by one’s own self, at least I’m finding that to be true. Understanding the plight of others and being able to empathize with them has given me a totally new outlook on the possibilities of living. That it took DJ’s death to bring this about and the pros and cons of that, I leave to others to debate, for me it’s a fact of my life today and it has helped eased the way. For me, it’s as Jimi says, “…now the whole world is here for me to see…”, I’ve heard that entire song hundreds of times and I thought I understood it well…maybe I did, but today, I can actually relate to what is being said in a more practical, personal manner now. In the course of my life, being unable in many circumstances to see beyond myself, I lived a cramped and stifled existence to a certain extent. Not considering the other side or even caring about it  had closed the door to what I am coming to believe is an essential part of the human spirit. Those times of quiet desperation, which I encountered before, being locked into myself, causing all manner of self deflating thoughts and feelings, are not so prevalent now; being able to view them in a larger context and to understand that there are people and things beyond myself which can be incorporated into my life without diminishing me one bit has allowed me to begin to really face the different life with a measure of joy about myself and a good measure of hope.
 The journey continues, the days are better and there are longer stretches of them…but of course the missing continues and that special loneliness remains. But, I can state that the words sewn across the front of a cap given to me by some friends holds true, “Life Is Good”…and that is said knowing still, there are the dark, sad times, the moments when realization strikes again and we are left floundering, struggling to regain our balance…those times when for that split second we wish...and "...if only..." for a moment,  then we breathe, we wipe the tears, sigh and try to remember that yes, we were, we did, and yes, we still can, and...we begin to actually do. Perhaps it is one more lemon that we will have to take from grief and try to make lemonade with, this forcing me and all of us to deal honestly with ourselves and our notions of other folks. Maybe in taking this as a positive, it will allow me to gain more insight into myself and others and help to remind me that in being willing to be available for those whom I might normally not give a second thought about, is not such a bad things and does not really require much effort on my part, I'm finding that in supporting others, I am also helping myself. In many cases, a sincere desire to, being willing to, may well be enough as a start, but we probably should keep our eyes on what we are reflecting about ourselves to others. Understanding that the  picture of ourselves is not yet complete, we can still benefit from the 'looking glass'...

                                                                               

(I had not noticed until I closed that small mirror that it had come from one of the medical facilities where DJ got MRI's...ironic...)