Two Realer

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
-Lao Tzu


In the midst of this second year of DJ's absence I'm finding things quite different than last year this time; then there was the anticipation of all the 'firsts' that were to come, added to the already distressingly sad situation. But those times came and went with a lot of the emotional upheavals present which has been mentioned by others...the sadness, the tears, the soul wrenching moments of a seemingly complete loss of self. The moments, memories and days; the seasonal events: all passed, taking their toll as they, like ourselves have their turn and move on. We all know the terms of the ride, the highs and lows, and the layout for the course where the  emotional laps are taken. Personally, I came to find that what many had said was true and that did help in negotiating the twists and turns involved. Most of those same people, many being further away for the date of their loss than I, have said the 2nd year was in some ways 'harder'. Understanding that for many of us, good, bad...right, wrong...hard, easy, all have somewhat lost any real meaning for a while, I'm finding it to be not so much hard, as different; I think because of a sense of deeper realization, if that's possible.
From the second DJ died, everything I did I was doing for the first time, alone...everything. This was all challenging, especially facing those special moments and events to which I closely associate her being present to add the comfort familiarity can bring. The mental struggles were faced and dealt with as best as possible and still are...using all available support, after a while, I attempted to find comfort in those memories I could trust myself to have and worked to convince myself that yes, things would work out, all with varying degrees of success, but they would work out. Entering this stretch of the journey, for me, this sense of deep realization appears to stand foremost in my mind. It come at times, delivering a series of quick, stabbing blows to my senses, reminding me that yes, yes, it did happen, the fact does exist, and...we are living it. This has been experienced before, this shocking jolt of powerful reality, early on, and often. But now for some reason, altho it's the same fact, the backdrop for processing the knowledge and moving through it appears changed and I'm sure it has...that backdrop would have had to have changed I venture, because I have changed. For good or bad, better or worse will have to be determined later, possibly by others, as of now what I can say is that I know and recognize that I am different. Realizing that the everyday living is occurring and that I am participating in it is odd; things get done...work attended, bills paid, even rooms being cleaned...sometimes, meeting with family and friends, it all happens with the realization that this is life, now. The presence of DJ's absence is everywhere, but it is becoming a lot easier to deal with. That itself was difficult enough to get a handle on at first, being comfortable with the idea that she is no longer here; but I did. Realizing that it will soon be two years since all this began is coming with mixed emotions as one might expect. Those early fears of thinking I might somehow forget things about DJ and about all we did and lived, has moved on. The nagging thought that I would somehow forget her voice, her smile and laugh ran rampant in my mind during those early days. At that time I felt the overwhelming need to constantly talk about her and the life we lived. It was fortunate for me that my oldest daughter lived nearby and we did talk about DJ and about how we thought her death was affecting us. We did this incessantly for those first weeks when shock and the fog of grief held us in it's unforgiving hands. Many times we hear the stories where those we once thought of as friends and even our families appear to avoid mention of our partners for fear of upsetting us...I do not think they realize that for some of us, in that early time, all we want to do is to immerse ourselves in the memories and talk, and laugh, and cry about the joy we know we have lost, with it all seeming less painful by sharing this with someone else, rather than alone. These days, with the new routine becoming more familiar, clearer thinking is prevailing despite the ongoing background sadness and unbelievable sense of missing; I will not speak to the loneliness, each of us have our own description for that private hell I'm sure.
The anticipation of this second year was not as fretful as facing some of those things which may have made the year of firsts so difficult at times. Wondering how it will feel to have this date pass or that event to come and go without DJ is not necessary, I know how that feels and not liking it is just one of many feelings I have about all of it. Thinking about the memories the holidays, birthdays, and life event days can be painful, but I've found it no more painful now, in general, than the fact that DJ is dead and the misery that truth causes me. Perhaps it is just me or maybe that's the way the journey goes, at any rate, having made the decision to try to ''be happy'', I feel I'm moving, to where is yet to be determined. Recently I came across some items which I know for sure, last year, would have sent me reeling; now, I am able to just sigh...and remember and maybe shed a few tears of deep sadness, but I do all this with a different feeling now; it is not like the thoughts and emotions from early on when I just knew those feelings would never cease causing me pain, now, I understand that the pain and sadness will be felt, must be felt, but it does not have to linger, at least not for me now. It is not something I would have chosen, but it is what we have, just different, much like us. I thought about a point during the illness when we had (for us anyway) a spectacular period of time; DJ was holding her own medically, other things in our life were going well, and altho we understood the bottom line, we were enjoying the hell out of life. At the end of one great and busy day during those last four years, as I sat in the rocker in our room and she reclined on the lounger, our eyes met...we looked at each other for a few seconds and then, both of us burst out laughing...we laughed for quite a while...tearing in the end, but still laughing. Finally I got up and hugged her and we to get us something to drink, we didn't say a word. To this day I could not tell you what made us laugh, but that we could do so at all, somehow made us both feel better I think. That is one of many memories I can have today without so much pain. Last year, I probably could not have been convinced that I would ever be able to have that come to mind and still remain in one piece, in fact, I had not thought of that incident until now.
I'm finding that my natural contrariness and once mis-heralded abitlity to know everydamnthing is of no use to me now. Not knowing the intricacies of the process, at first I was unable to recognize the spontaneity of the instance and to remember the essence the natural things in life present; living, loving, laughing, dancing, and dying. Attempting to force the situation to bend to my will in those first days and weeks, I found myself as I'm sure many of us do, wanting to feel the hurt and pain not only all at once, but right now; have it and be done with it. If there was crying to be done, I needed to do it then and all of it too...three rivers of tears if necessary and float on them and find whatever the hell waited at the end. But grief does not cooperate like that, it's process has it's own meter and pace; from experience I can say, woe unto those who fail to recognize this. So in those early times I was ravaged by the roller coaster of emotions; my inability to understand the flow and accept the reality that moves with it, led me to the edge of self destruction. For all my wishing and railing and crying and moaning and pleading and cussing and promising, I found no relief. My wish to have it come and go really fast, did not come true.
The quote above suggests that we might want to understand that life presents us with instances of change and that it may be best to not to try and resist it, letting us know that doing so can only cause sorrow. For this particular quote, I can attest to the wisdom it offers; after a couple of months of sheer agony from trying to do things my way, I was forced to yield, to accept that each step had to be taken, but in doing so, I also found that they led to better understanding and an ability to have some measure of hope again. We have all heard and can understand the old saw about that which does not bend, will break, but the emotional saturation of pain caused by the loss of our partners blocks us from calling on these type of things early on...the pain is so fresh, our mental nerve endings so raw that we are unable to utilize the most basic of the necessary tools for a while. So it was with me; I understand now that I could not absorb the total impact of the loss all at once, I don't think any of us can, thus the process, maybe it allows us integrate what has occurred over a period of time, possibly, so as not to overwhelm us. You may notice that the quote makes no mention of the rate of flow, yet does state that resistance can cause sorrow, as with most things the process moves at it's own pace. 
Today reality flows in my life and the ship continues it's course; I am a willing passenger on it. The different life is taking it's shape with me molding myself to the parts I can, trimming a bit of the edges off where necessary to accommodate the way of life as it exists now, trying to fit in those spaces I can and learning to gain some peace in the process. Perhaps if we can remember, when we are able to, that letting reality be reality is an approach that we may take as we travel along the path. It takes time to reach this point maybe, but still, there are  no shortcuts for us. But for those who can hear, it does get better, the pain eases and with a bit of work on our part we can begin to see the way ahead better, we can come to believe in hope for the different life. This is not to say it's easy, but it is possible; and to me that's the key; if i can admit and accept the concept of the reality of life, and choose the idea that life implies the possible, then I can direct my efforts in negotiating the passage with a new calmness, despite whatever may come.
That being said, I also have to accept that DJ's absence is in reality a part of this natural flow and that my moving forward has to be as natural and as certain as I know that fact to be.