Limb, Oh

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

Most of us have heard that oft posed query, an online reference site states that it is ‘a philosophical thought experiment which raises questions regarding observation and knowledge of reality.‘  Altho I know absolutely nothing about philosophy beyond the fact that most folks claim to have one, or several, I have experimented with being observant and grief has expanded my knowledge of what is real. Recently, our area had undergone a prolonged period of constant rain, this lasted for days. Many areas nearby were subject to severe flooding and the rain caused other problems as well. In our backyard there sits an moderately large tree; I have no idea what type it is or how old it might be; I measured the circumference of it’s trunk with a Tailor’s tape and it came out to 99 inches. As I say, it is moderately large. A portion of that tree about 16 feet in length decided to return to earth in the early morning hours; it landed right in front of the set of stairs at our back door, just missing the house and the steps and finally coming to rest against one of the railings. Neither the house nor the steps were damaged; however, the large glass patio table which we sat around during the summer was totally destroyed with hundreds of small tell-tale chunks of tempered glass everywhere, and the metal frame was twisted beyond recognition. Having only recently asserted my belief that signs from our deceased partners are a real possibility ‘sIghs & sIgns’, March 23, 2013), I at first flirted with the idea that DJ had been privy to a dream I had about the widow who lives a couple of blocks over from here and that maybe she was sending me a message, but I quickly dismissed the thought; the tree had missed the house, DJ will not be that subtle. That all this occurred on a Tuesday morning shortly after 2 a.m.(the same day and near the time) nearly 18months after DJ’s death may all be a coincidence. I don’t know.

You may well ask what all this has to do with grief and our journey through it. I will try to explain what thoughts were triggered in my mind by this event. Firstly, I did not observe that tree section fall, but I do know the resultant reality of the mess it created in doing so. Power was lost and the phone line carrying the Hi-Speed service was knocked out. Knowing that my cell phone can access the internet is probably the only thing which kept me from going into complete panic mode. Branches, bark, downed telephone and power lines and other debris littered the area just outside our back door and the reality is that a fairly large cleanup was necessary. Second, I did not ever hear the sound of the tree section falling, let alone that of the breaking glass table; I slept through it all. What I believe did wake me was the total silence in our bedroom and in the entire house…and maybe the absence of the flickering light from the TV screen and its sound. The hum of the computer was also missing. Dressing by the glow given off by a flashlight, I prepared to go to my daughter’s house, she lives across the street. As I did this I thought about how I was feeling so matter-of-fact about everything; I wasn’t hurrying about, my mind wasn’t racing in a hundred directions all at once, and since my main concern had been about the house, and it was o.k., I was ready to make the necessary calls and go back to sleep! Before, I don’t think I would have been so passive with DJ around, I can imagine what the scene may have been like. But the reality is that she isn’t, it was just me. Letting myself in at my daughter’s, I had been a bit leery about calling her, it was way past 2 a.m., and we all know the thoughts that can go through our minds when calls come in the middle of the night. After gently waking her to let her know I was in the house as I did not want to become an accident, I made a couple of calls to the utilities and stretched out on the couch. Trying to pick up where I had left off sleeping, the tree question came to mind.
I had observed the tree of DJ’s dying and not only did it make a tremendous sound in the forest of our family as it fell, it shook the very foundation into which all our roots have fixed themselves. Being there to witness as she took her final breath and to live the reality introduced following that occurrence requires no degree in philosophy or any other discipline for me to recognize the hell which, for a while, has been part of our different lives. Unlike that tree section, DJ’s return to the physical earth did not barely miss, it crashed right down upon us, flattening and pressing us into and even through the lowest depths of which some cannot, but I know many of you can, make that leap of imagination. As I lay there in the quiet morning hours thinking about how like that tree, our own family’s growth had been sturdy and strong with solid roots anchored in caring, crying, discord, disruptions and love…in living, we too have lost a large part of ourselves. Like that tree, with branches outstretched, reaching, extending itself out and upwards, I think our family, with roots nourished by DJ, also still stands strong and sure, tho missing a portion of itself; for a while, enjoying the fruits of her good health and mostly kind demeanor which allowed her to be there for us and others and how, by example, she helped me personally to become more aware of the feelings of others. It reminded me that this is a part of process of the very nature of our living and although a sad part for we who remain, I think it is as it should be. Knowing and saying all of that does not mean we have to like it. 18 months ago I could not conceive of even thinking this way, but as a result of what the different life demands, today I can; not easily, not without tears sometimes, but also, not with so much pain either. To me, it’s an interesting dynamic of our human minds that we can articulate our understanding of the continuum of this natural ebb and flow, but emotionally our entire psyche rails against it when it hits home. That’s life…and death.

Like the cleanup and reorganizing required after that portion of the tree fell in our backyard, so the cleaning,  examination and shifting of thoughts about the memories and the emotions they can trigger appears to be necessary for our minds. That we are slammed hard is not in doubt, we are not like the earth which appears to be unaffected and seems to have absorbed the impact of that tree part; our emotional groundwork is broken by the hit of death and as we all know, the aftershocks can continue for quite some time. Trying to deal with the cascade of memories, attempting to understand just how we are to fit in with the different life, watching, as everything appears to want to swamp us all at once…experiencing the terror and fear which can grip us early on and remain for some time and the sheer helplessness we can feel at times, all, can lead us to wonder if we will ever return to any semblance of normalcy. That missing section of the tree presents a different view of the immediate world around it from our back steps now, not good or bad, just different. DJ’s absence from our lives and especially mine, now presents a different scenario to me and the family also; It is taking everything within me to try and look at it as not good or bad, but part of that natural flow, but I am not sure just how well I am succeeding, the journey continues.

For me, I know, intellectually it is important that I be able to do this, to accept DJ’s death as part of the natural progression of life, but at my most basic human emotional level I am concerned it may not happen. At times I fear that those periods of mental confusion, when the jolts of reality from the falling of our tree hit hard and I feel overwhelmed, that I will fall prey to the whims of my own mind. It is a running struggle for sure.  Now, I am the only one who can observe it there, in my own mind; but I understand the reality that I am not alone in the struggle and that we are not quite done yet. I understand that in order to remain honest in all of this, I have to make the attempt to clean away those things which can no longer serve me. Simple to say, not so easy to do. As the journey continues we try to find inspiration within and draw on the experience of others to help in believing in hope for the future.
As I drifted towards sleep and all of this filtered through my mind, I heard something fall, it was one the loafers I had half slipped off when I first laid on the couch, and the reality was that it was now time for me to get up.