“You were sick, but now you're well again, and there's work to do.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, Timequake
It is not unusual for us to remember what we doing or where we were on certain dates, times of momentous events, or special occasions. For me, I know exactly what I was doing on this day 23 years ago…finishing off the last of a pint of scotch with tall cans of beer as a chaser. This was the swan song to a drinking career which had lasted over 20 years; somehow DJ had managed to remain with me as I hit each rung on the ladder of unmanageability in regards to my life. As there is no clear cut answer anyone else might understand as to why she did this, going into details here would serve no good purpose. And the fact is that I’m am not fully aware of why either; that it was ‘love’, to whatever extent that is meant, is bantered around and accepted as a coverall answer for the most part. In my own conversations with DJ on this very point, the answers have ranged from an all telling snort to “The Look”; those of you not familiar with this look are either single men or married men who have been perfect. Suffice to say it speaks more words than any picture could ever hope to be worth. The closest thing to which I can compare it to is the look your mother might give you when you are being disruptive somewhere out in public and she cannot get her hands on you for physical correction. I long ago had just accepted that she was with me and left the reasons to the winds. Naturally DJ incurred much scorn for having stayed, both from family and friends, but she only slightly ever wavered in her faith in me, and I know and Knew I was very fortunate to have her in my life. At any rate, on this day those years ago, I was waiting to ride to work with my aunt, she worked at a large VA facility and I hoped to try and enter a treatment program there. This was being done on my on volition, none of my family had pushed for me to do so at any time, and DJ had not this particular time. The previous night I had narrowly averted blowing my brains out; I had been forced to come face to face with myself and choices had been made. That night as I sat in the basement of a finished project we had been working on, drinking, checking the work, gathering the last of our gear, I had been struck by how hopeless my life appeared to be. Coming to the conclusion that I had not, in all the previous years made an honest attempt at sobriety, I had chose to actually commit to it. That is how I ended up at my family’s house where my aunt lived…waiting for that ride. Altho I had stopped by the apartment DJ and I lived in and placed the check for the work in our passbook (ATM’s were a novelty at the time), I had not awakened her; during that time it was not unusual for me to do ‘’all niters’’ at the various projects…ostensibly because of early completion bonuses, but really it was for me to be able to imbibe away from DJ’s scrutiny. My efforts to secure a bed in that facility have been detailed elsewhere (Widowed Village Blog, SameDifference - October 10, 2012), I did obtain a bed, and treatment began. The next taste of alcohol I had would come over 21 years later as DJ and I had a sip on the New Year’s eve the year before she died, as I say, we knew. I needed her to see me take that drink and know that I did not act a damn fool afterwards; we enjoyed that nite and the next day without incident.
Over the years since that night and morning trip, and especially during the last four of DJ’s life we talked about that period of our lfe, each of us trying to gain some final perspective on all we had lived together. It is understood by me just how fortunate we were to be able to do this, even tho at times it was quite painful and passions did rise. Over the long term I’m sure it helped us, as towards the very end there was no need for desperate apologies by me or for DJ to expend energy trying to get me to understand just how all of it had affected her; almost all of the necessary things had been said; we knew. That is something I am grateful for today, not having this among all the other emotional hurdles has been a blessing. For sure my behavior had a major impact not only on DJ, but on our kids, our families and even some friends, but this entire attempt at relating this here was spurred by an incident which happened to a current friend of mine; she too had been in a similar situation sharing what DJ had endured. Some notes were found by her, relating to recovery and really struck an emotional nerve, bringing up memories which I can only imagine for the most part, but, thanks to DJ, I do have some idea about what she might be going through. And the attempt is not to portray DJ as some long suffering wife with the heart of a saint…as with a lot of things I do these days, this is initiated by self interest, first. In trying to fully understand going forward in the different life I understand that I need to find safe places for all of this, places where the thought of them do not send me scrambling back to that basement and the frame of mind which I know resides there.
Now, I can go over the conversations we had and not be consumed with the guilt that can cause an erosion of the mental peace we all so desperately seek. Knowing that DJ was able to let me know what she felt, about the ups the downs, the disappointments, the times of despair that I was a driving force behind, when she felt as tho the storm would never end…all of it, is help making the finding of safe places easier. As confirmation of this I will say this; all the conversations were not gentle, not to or for either of us, nor were they all pretty, they could not have been, the topic wasn’t pretty. But I do believe that because we knew that the illness would have it’s way, they were honest at the most basic level and that the colorful language used by DJ to emphasize one point or another, or to describe me at various times, does not detract from the seriousness or the integrity of what was said. As I say, this is an exercise for me, the program I subscribe to suggests that in order to maintain good sobriety and a healthy mental balance, at any given time I should be willing to tell; 1. how it was…2. what happened…3. what it’s like now; this is all designed to help Me. Along the journey, as I sort through the memories and emotions generated by them I am attempting to gain that peace of mind. As with the time those 23 years ago it is about entering and trying to understand a different way of life, only now, it is without DJ, and for the most part, entering it alone. When I had made the decision to take that ride with my aunt, I did not tell DJ, no call, no note left; I knew it would not mean anything to her, why should it? she had heard it all before. This is when I really started to do things For Me and not because of external forces, and for certain, things of this particular nature have to come from inside the person if there is to be any chance of success. Later, towards the end of that first day there, I was able to call her and let her know where I was. I pointed out that although I had been told the time frame was X amount of days, there was no guarantee when I would be home, if ever; in my mind I went in thinking I might not ever be back on the streets, not unescorted in any case. There were some tears on her end and words of encouragement, suffering from the early stages of alcohol withdrawal I was only barely able to be coherent, but what needed to be said was said.
Most of us understand the fundamentals of treatment and there is no need to detail them here, but what I will state is that I found a parallel which I could use to help deal with grief. What I did realize through treatment was that I did not know all the answers and that was o.k.; that for me to have any chance at success with treatment, I had to become teachable, and I have found the same to be true in dealing with grief, being able to accept the facts concerning the process has made the difference for me; both processes require me to be kind to myself, first; that notions of strength and any good it might do me may be misplaced; that it is not the lack of any willpower that is holding me from moving forward, but possibly the mis-use of that willpower that may create problems; that attempting to take shortcuts or rushing the process can only result in my extending the pain; that just as my body had to be purged of the chemicals which had become poisonous to it, those toxic memories had to be brought forward and expelled also; that a simple approach was best, even for such a complicated issue as addiction, don't want to be drunk, don't drink, it suggested simple, not easy, so I found the ''...be kind to yourself, drink plenty of water, eat when you can and rest, if not sleep...'' suggestions for dealing with grief to be very effective for me. The similarities could go on, but I think the point is evident, having some basic tools to work with can help us to deal with even the most complicated of human dilemmas, at least I'm finding that to be true; again, I can only speak of my own journey and I have found this to be best for me. Issues regarding self recrimination and guilt are part of both processes and how we deal with them have a direct impact on our results I think. That too varies, for me I had a lot of guilt for a long time about the booze, but felt virtually no guilt in relation to DJ's death, if any, only that there was nothing I could do to prevent it. The only saving grace about that last line is that one of the processes may have been prevented, the other one will occur for all of us, despite ours or anyone ele's best efforts.
As I think about that day…and today, I am able to do so with an amazing amount of peace. The normal days that usually cause us distress, birthdays, anniversary’s &ct. come around for everyone and I am not exempt from them. But as each of our journeys are special and different, so are the particular days that can really take us to that place of…not so much of pain, but a place of somber melancholic reflection. So it is with today, it is easy for me to accept that the decision made that day was the most important of my life as not having made it, I’m convinced that I would not be here today. Now, later, after some time has elapsed since DJ died, I can better relate to trying to gain some familiarity with this different life just as I had to do before. Altho the circumstance are completely different, the goal of the exercise appears to be the same; to engage in living forward and being open to new attitudes and ideas about a different life we have no experience with. We all face things going forward that previously we had no idea of, or even could have thought existed. For me, like before it’s a scary proposition, this going forward to an uncertain future. But as I now realize, if we have chosen to live, we must continue. Knowing this, I am trying to take the ups an downs coming with the unknown as things which in the end, or I should say, before the end, will sort themselves out and will develop into a satisfying life. Having faith in that Higher Power which I believe has helped me maintain a clear head over these years, allows me to better practice the idea of trying to do something about the things which I can control and being aware of those I cannot.
To be clear, this missive is not an appeal seeking congratulatory comments, if fact you will find that the option to comment has been removed in this particular post as I feel any remarks regarding the time sober not necessary. Its purpose is for me to try and sort in my mind and put into some coherent form a particular part of my life about which I am neither proud nor ashamed, it simply, is. The fact that I choose to restrict comments is due more to my own feelings about my behavior, and about which I am still ambivalent, having not totally forgiven myself for behaving so poorly at times. Here, I am trying to articulate the facts and effect it had on our relationship as it pertains to the illness DJ suffered through, and my emotional framework following her death. It really goes more to the idea of our human spirit, all of us, more than anything else, it is reminding me that at the most basic level, when facing those times which can offer the most profound trials, maybe it comes down to our having to be rigorously honest with ourselves in order to gain any reward of solace. This story theme is not unique to me, only the particulars, but that note my friend found which reflected the staggering odds against a successful life after addiction brought all this to mind. It reminded me of how, despite ,everything, how fortunate I truly have been. It brought tears to my eyes to consider that this dear friend and her partner did not get the opportunity that DJ and I did; that opportunity to discuss, fight, cry, cuss, laugh, and finally come to a mutual understanding about what had happened…and especially because they were deprived of the after time, when for DJ and myself, many hopes and dreams were realized, but more importantly, we came to understand one another in an entirely different light, and from that understanding a bond and trust grew which resulted in our total dedication to one another, win, lose or draw.
In my life, today, this has been distilled right down to where the need or desire for anyone else to speak of how good or bad of a thing this was,has been removed in a lot of ways. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, good, bad or indifferent, I know, more importantly, I know DJ knows and in the final analysis that’s all that really matters. Once many years ago while I was still practicing, during the midst of a heated discussion, DJ asked me why I continued to drink; at the time I remember telling her ''...I don't know..'', I recall thinking at the time, it was the most honest answer I could give. Then, DJ didn't think so, and she let me know that. Later, as her time wound down and we spoke of all this I again mentioned that I still really didn't know why, but at this point, we both agreed it really didn't matter. Above all else I am fairly certain of one thing; of all the fears and doubts DJ may have had in those last days, my taking a drink in reaction to her death was not one of them. So I am grateful for the time, the years of not drinking, but I am even more grateful that they were spent with DJ in an atmosphere of caring and what I call love...that is sorely missed. It is great tho, to be able to extract the gift of better understanding and a measure of peace from the carnage grief can bring to us, I'm finding it's worth the work.
