“I used to live in a room full of mirrors
All I could see was me
Then I take my spirit and I smash my mirrors
And now the whole world is here for me to see
Now I’m searching for my love to be . . . “
(Room Full Of Mirrors -Jimi Hendrix - Rainbow Bridge (1971))
There's a black what-not holder which sits in our bathroom, presently it contains a couple of brushes and combs which DJ used, there’s also a hand mirror sharing the space. That container has been in it’s current spot since DJ died, it’s not in the way and the things in it do not send me scrambling for the covers, not today anyway. It’s moved on the rare occasion I lift it to wipe the spot where it sits, other than that, it and the things in it have not been touched since I put them there that morning. There is nothing particularly special about the container or the items which reside there other than the memories they can trigger for me…especially the hand mirror. At one time it occupied a spot on the table which sat next to the lounger DJ used, it and a large wooden breakfast tray which served as a holding area for the things DJ needed; daily medications, the Den-Tips she used, her eye glasses, the Fentany…syringes for the liquid Morphine she might require…among other things. On that tray there was also a small, round travel mirror/brush combo DJ made use of during those final weeks. At various times I would watch as she picked up the mirror, open her mouth, as if checking her tongue and throat; when I asked one time was she alright, she told me it felt as if something was stuck in her throat and she wanted to see what it was. She did this a lot that last week or so...I've concluded it was the effects of her body starting to shut down as she never discovered anything there. Earlier, when she told me this, I had thought the small round mirror wasn’t enough, and had bought the hand mirror hoping this would make it easier for her to see. As I looked at the mirror now, sitting in that container, I noticed the price tag was still on it; it dawned on me that I had never seen DJ use that mirror. That had not occurred to me before this. For sure she did the checking of her mouth because I remember thinking ‘’…why is she still using that small mirror…’, but the answer was unimportant at the time and just a passing thought. The morning DJ died and I rearranged some of the things in our room, I had put that hand mirror in that container and forgot all about it after placing it in the bathroom. When I thought of all of this now, an answer for me began to form in my mind; it may not be accurate but it’s something I can live with and has made me think more in terms of myself and my attitude towards others.
DJ’s appearance for the most part remained constant throughout the four years of her illness; she maintained her weight, only had minor hair loss from the treatments, and the Chemo did not really cripple her. She kept her full, round facial features and her eyes stayed bright. Towards the end, the final month or so, there was a significant change in her face, circles appeared below her eyes, and her features became drawn. My answer to her use of the small mirror is that she really didn’t want to use the larger one…the small round one only gave her a view of her mouth area; the larger one would have reflected her entire facial image and perhaps she just didn’t want to see that. As I say, I really don’t know, it’s an answer I’m taking and putting in that safe place…I can live with it; it may seem as a small thing to others, but for me I’m glad to have an answer and a place for it.
But all this really got me to thinking about myself, or, about my behavior and attitudes and about looking at myself, both before DJ died and afterwards. It is a known fact in our family circle that I really didn’t give much thought about others outside of that circle; or their feelings, situations and the rest. If they didn’t have a direct impact on my life, I didn’t bother with thinking time about them; it was “ We Five” and screw the rest of them. It is not clear to me how all this developed in my life, my folks didn’t make a point of raising me that way, but I’m sure it began after I returned from overseas. After months of having to think along the line of me first, I think it would only be natural I should feel that way…at least for a while. But I know I held on to that mindset, never being fully able to expand my true concern for folks beyond my own family. I’m not sure it’s something to be proud of, but I don’t beat myself up about it either; it’s the way I thought, and although now, I have a different view, I managed to get along fairly well. After Dj died, this all changed…finding myself at a total loss for any meaningful answers, I was overcome with the despair grief can bring to us. Being lost, bewildered and actually feeling breathtaking terror as I had not known for years brought me not only the brink of ending my life, but also, with support, to a different understanding of myself and my life. Expanding on what Hendrix says, for years I lived not only in a room, but an entire world filled with mirrors, and for sure all I could see was me. The knowledge gained through treatment for booze had helped some, but still I maintained a cynicism of most people and an air of contempt for others which was surely not deserved; since this mostly took place inside my thinking it only caused a few problems…that and the fact that I avoided getting too involved with others, I rarely exerted myself in the needs of others…they had their problems, but I had my own.
Now, having to examine the life DJ and I shared before, and all that took place after the diagnosis, I am forced to view the reflection I cast at the different times. Before, the mirror I held was like the small one which appears to have given DJ comfort in using; it allowed me to only see myself and I appeared large and imposing, my image filling the entire reflective area, not revealing much beyond me. It was a time when there was no room in that frame for thinking too much of other people, a time when almost all of my thoughts, and most of my actions were geared towards me and mine, consequences be dammed. I know we all need to have a generous supply of self interest, but what I’m talking about here is something beyond that and I can say this because it’s about me and about what I came to realize as a result of DJ having died. If I had not discovered others with a more giving nature I am not sure I would be typing this today. This is not to say I went out of my way to create or cause problems for others, no, the stance I took was more in line with what a New York Senator once described as our government’s policies towards some of it’s less fortunate citizens. The Senator had said that those folks were the victims of an attitude exhibiting benign neglect, and at the time it had caused a mini-firestorm of responses, but I think it accurately describes how I felt about the concerns of others. For her part, DJ went a long way in helping me to be more aware of the feelings and needs of others, that I saw her actually practice it often did have some effect on me. Tho able to raise hell at a moments notice, and known to rail at seemingly small things, at heart, she was a most compassionate person. So much so that a few Christmases ago she announced to the family that except for one gift each, our normal Christmas was being cancelled, instead we would be donating it; the family next door was in dire straits, and with small children in the house, they needed our Christmas more than we did...besides, she said, we had enjoyed so many great ones; so it was. At that time, altho I was doing better in the human relations department in general, I was not amused.
Today, since and during the ongoing of the serious self examination, I am finding that my own reflection is different, larger, expanding. Unlike DJ whom, seemingly, for better or worse, had no need to see beyond that fraction of her own self for a multitude of reasons, I find that large mirror in my hand and now I have a view which encompasses a lot more of my life and the lives of those around me. In a way, for me, that small view was smashed…by DJ’s spirit mostly, I’m thinking… perhaps some my own…more likely, a combination of the two, and by the resulting pit of grief I found myself in and the things I am learning about myself as I wallow at the bottom of that pit and struggle to get clear of it. Being easy or difficult to do does not come into play for me, this stands as a fact of my life today and debates on those types of things are rarely done by me now; attempts are made to make sense of and understand them and they are dealt with as best I can. It is refreshing to be unburdened by one’s own self, at least I’m finding that to be true. Understanding the plight of others and being able to empathize with them has given me a totally new outlook on the possibilities of living. That it took DJ’s death to bring this about and the pros and cons of that, I leave to others to debate, for me it’s a fact of my life today and it has helped eased the way. For me, it’s as Jimi says, “…now the whole world is here for me to see…”, I’ve heard that entire song hundreds of times and I thought I understood it well…maybe I did, but today, I can actually relate to what is being said in a more practical, personal manner now. In the course of my life, being unable in many circumstances to see beyond myself, I lived a cramped and stifled existence to a certain extent. Not considering the other side or even caring about it had closed the door to what I am coming to believe is an essential part of the human spirit. Those times of quiet desperation, which I encountered before, being locked into myself, causing all manner of self deflating thoughts and feelings, are not so prevalent now; being able to view them in a larger context and to understand that there are people and things beyond myself which can be incorporated into my life without diminishing me one bit has allowed me to begin to really face the different life with a measure of joy about myself and a good measure of hope.
The journey continues, the days are better and there are longer stretches of them…but of course the missing continues and that special loneliness remains. But, I can state that the words sewn across the front of a cap given to me by some friends holds true, “Life Is Good”…and that is said knowing still, there are the dark, sad times, the moments when realization strikes again and we are left floundering, struggling to regain our balance…those times when for that split second we wish...and "...if only..." for a moment, then we breathe, we wipe the tears, sigh and try to remember that yes, we were, we did, and yes, we still can, and...we begin to actually do. Perhaps it is one more lemon that we will have to take from grief and try to make lemonade with, this forcing me and all of us to deal honestly with ourselves and our notions of other folks. Maybe in taking this as a positive, it will allow me to gain more insight into myself and others and help to remind me that in being willing to be available for those whom I might normally not give a second thought about, is not such a bad things and does not really require much effort on my part, I'm finding that in supporting others, I am also helping myself. In many cases, a sincere desire to, being willing to, may well be enough as a start, but we probably should keep our eyes on what we are reflecting about ourselves to others. Understanding that the picture of ourselves is not yet complete, we can still benefit from the 'looking glass'...
(I had not noticed until I closed that small mirror that it had come from one of the medical facilities where DJ got MRI's...ironic...)
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