123-Gifts

Of the many gifts that graced our life, the children would have to be the greatest of them all.  Beyond any material gains the world might offer, they were Donnas’ driving force for most of her life. I know nearly all parents place their children in the forefront and Donna was no exception.  We didn’t really have any idea of what we were doing at first, raising them I mean, and many times we argued about just what was the best way to deal with any particular situation; many times we disagreed, but over time we developed some common ground that allowed us to bring three children to adulthood.  I remember when our oldest daughter was newly born, a few weeks old I guess, Donna said it was time to get her ears pierced (sound from Family Feud here please), I said, "over my dead body!"  She mumbled something about that could be arranged and the discussion was over (I thought); she was quite welcome to punch as many holes in her own body as she wished, but not in our baby's. At the very least, only one ear should be done, heck, half the kid was mine!  The next day when I got in from work, I picked the baby up and sure enough the baby's ears were pierced, both ears.  That gave me some idea of how this marriage thing was going to work.  

I know Donna is proud of them, she told me so.  I’m proud of them too, but the pride she felt stems from something that only a mother can appreciate, especially over these last 4 years.  She agonized about how her being gone would affect them, would they be alright, just how they would make it.  I believe that was one of her greatest fears.   I tried to reassure her but I’m not sure it did any good.  How could it?  She knew she would be leaving our hopes for them, leaving our dreams, and, at times, our very reason to do the things we did in this life.  It must have been hard, in fact I know it was but there isn’t much one can say at that point.  I can only imagine the fear, the fear of how this was affecting them all. The fear and sorrow that her children were going to be in a world of hurt and there wasn't a damn thing she could do to prevent it. She made me promise to look after them, and of course I will, but I have no idea how I will do it alone.   But as I say, she’s proud of them, proud of the way they responded.  Proud of the way they wanted to be there every second to do whatever needed to be done. I have come to better understand the true importance of these gifts, these children, to both Donna and myself, how, in a huge way they helped to define her and give her life purpose.  I know they gave her comfort in the end.

I heard once that the bond between a mother and a child stems in large part to their once physical connection and that the father comes to love and bond with that child through the eyes and actions of the mother.  I don’t know if it’s really true but it makes sense to me.  I have come to believe that because of our current journey.  Sometimes I would mention this to her and remind her that in loving them she was also showing me how to love.  We shared a lot of things and taught each other a lot, but this is one of the greatest things I learned from her.  This entire process of living with those, whom we may soon be without, exposes the many intricate details of relationships, both family and non family.  Of course, friends grieve and mourn the passing of people they know and have developed relationships with.  Naturally, within the family it’s different.  Consider this:  all of us in this immediate family feel that general sense of loss and sadness, it’s a natural consequence of the situation, but even more, there is the individual special relationships among those family members; in our case there’s mother to daughters, mother to son, wife to husband, sister to sisters, Donna to her mother…the sense of loss seems to be different for each, though no less painful for any of us. 

This struck me hard, it made me realize that yes, my wife, my partner was leaving, and my reaction to that is from the point of view of a long time friend and husband.  But my son and daughters were losing their MOTHER…think about that, losing your mother. A special kind of hell has to come along with that.  I spent most of my adult life knowing my dad, and I do remember how I felt when he passed, but here we’re talking about your mother, moms, ‘madea’.  That’s totally different. My own mother died when I was I was 5, so my memory of her is somewhat fuzzy, I don’t remember enough to have the deep emotional attachments that develop over a long period of time between a mother and child. I have to remember that although our pain on one level is similar, on another level it is specific to each member of our family. I think somehow it ties to my main thought, that despite the individual hurt, pain and uncertainty, they are enduring and she is proud of them.  Think of the joy you feel when you know your own mother is proud of you,   Perhaps knowing this will help ease their pain.

As I stated in a previous post, this record is about me trying to come to terms with what has happened without losing my mind. The children are part of me, so part of this is about them also. An effort to make sense out of the seemingly senseless.  My thoughts are beginning to become more organized around the new situation, but I don’t like it and I know the children don’t either. Then again, we don't have to like it, just endure and be better for it.

Pax,

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings