124-Freedom

                                                                                                                   

‘…freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, nothing ain’t nothing honey if it ain’t free…’

 (from Me & Bobby McGee written by Kris Krstofferson  sung by Janis Joplin circa.1971)

Some time ago I was told that if you truly love something or someone you have to be willing to let them go....

Time Out! Wait a minute, I love you/it so I have to let you/it go…no compute.  Let’s try this: I love it AND I want to keep it.  I want to hold on to it with all my being, I want to somehow lock it inside of me where it can never be harmed, taken away or worse (I thought), want to leave.

As with many things these days this bit of information has taken on new dimensions of meaning for me and requires a new way of thinking to get to a clearer understanding of what is meant.  I’m getting it…I think.

When we found out we had nothing left to lose it did free us in a way.  It freed us from the temptation to BS each other.  Terrible that it took such a tragic event to bring us to that point, but that’s how it goes.  We really didn’t bs each other too much anyway, not about the things that really mattered, but this was brought into sharper focus after the diagnosis. Donna had to know she had the freedom to do, be, and say whatever she thought was necessary.  Of course she did this most of her life anyway, but at this time it was even more critical because it went directly to state of mind.  We all know the mind can affect the physical aspects of the body, and having the knowledge that we were at the no holds barred point in our lives for real, that any and everything we could do to assist the body to fight on had to be done, we tried to be as honest and open as we could.  This freedom that I’m speaking encompasses everything, period.  Freedom for Donna to know it’s o.k. to be scared, freedom to scream of the unfairness of it all, freedom to be angry because the lously s.o.b. who molested that child is still alive and our  days together are for sure, numbered.  Freedom to express the disappointments about people and events.  Freedom to argue, get mad and say things you later wish you hadn’t. Freedom to blame, curse and cry.  Donna had to know that she was free to curse the disease, the doctors, me, all of it. She had to be free to still hope, blame, and expect me to wipe away any tears she might have.  Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, she had nothing left to lose and I wanted her to be free. These freedoms she had to know and use. I want to believe she did.  

There was freedom for me also, and this is where I came to understand this a bit better. I too, in a way had nothing left to lose; at some point I reminded her that I loved her, loved her so much that I had to be  willing to let her go…let her be free…free from worry about bills, about who thought what, free from fear, free from the pain and discomfort the illness brought on.  


The line says ‘…nothing ain’t nothing honey if ain’t free…’.  Well, my baby was something, something else really, and I want to believe she’s free...really free....

pax,
                                                                                                                                  

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings