gifft2

Of the many gifts that graced our life, the children would have to be the greatest of them all.  Beyond any material gains the world might offer as goals or gains, they were Donnas’ driving force for most of her life. I know nearly all parents place their children in the forefront and Donna was no exception.  We didn’t really have any idea of what we were doing at first, raising them I mean, and many times we argued about just what was the best way to deal with any particular situation; many times we disagreed, but over time we developed some common ground that allowed us to bring three children to adulthood.

I know Donna is proud of them, she told me so, although at times it was difficult for her to express that to them, at least in some of the ways they might want her to.  I’m proud of them too, but the pride she felt stems from something that only a mother can appreciate, especially over these last 4 years.  She agonized about how her being gone would affect them, would they be alright, just how they would make it.  I believe that was one of her greatest fears.   I tried to reassure her but I’m not sure it did any good.  How could it?  She knew she would be leaving our hopes for them, leaving our dreams, and, at times, our very reason to do many of the things we did in this life.  It must have been hard, in fact I know it was but there wasn't much I could do about it at that point.  I can only imagine the fear and anxiety she must have felt, the fear of how this was affecting them and would affect them later. The anxiety and sorrow, that her children were going to be in a world of hurt and there wasn't a damn thing she or I could do to prevent it. She made me promise to look after them, and of course I will, but I have no idea how I will do it alone, I have no experience at it; this has always been a two party exercise.   But as I say, she’s proud of them, proud of the way they responded to the illness.  Proud of the way they wanted to be there every second to do whatever needed to be done. I have come to better understand the true importance of these gifts, these children, to both Donna and myself, how, in a huge way they helped to define her and give her life purpose, although not her only purpose; I do know them being there gave her comfort in the end.

As for the children themselves...well of course each has their own special personality traits and are loved by us for them, and in some instances, in spite of them; they are cherished simply because of the fact that they are the direct results of DJ's and I physical expressions for each other...these 'kids' were well into adulthood when we got the diagnosis, yet DJ and I continue to call them 'the kids'...which I guess a lot of parents do...some things just never change. I had a lot of time to be with them in their early years tho, as I kept them during the day while DJ worked, and she took over while I went to school at night.  Our son still lives in our house with me, my oldest daughter lives across the street from us, and our youngest married daughter lives across town, about 20 miles away...I have come to believe, that some force in the universe knows where to put each of us to best serve, believe me, the 20 mile thing is not that bad...I have asked each of them if It was o.k. if I mention them here, only a bit in depth, and they have said yes...of course I may have done it anyway, without their permission...

J---- is our oldest daughter, although not the oldest child...that position is held by our son, but she is the middle child. I don't think I had ever heard of the so-called 'middle child thing' until I was well into adulthood, even tho in my own, blended family, on my side, I am, in the biological sense the middle child.  My own relationship with J---- has always been superior, with me being told it's a 'daughter/father' thing; again, I don't know much about these things or where they spring from. What I do know is that back when the children were first learning to ride bikes and it was up to me to show them how, that then, the young, 7-8 year old J---- impressed the hell out of me, of course for a parent, it doesn't take too much...

 Our son already knew how to ride, and our youngest daughter's bike had come with training wheels; J----'s bike had not; DJ was scheduled to bring a pair home that very evening when she got off from work. Still, I had figured we could go riding, the last bike had arrived; the kids had waited so long (to them) to do this, waited because the last bike was late in arriving, and I had said we should wait until everyone had their's before we went riding.  There was a parking lot near our house which had what seemed like acres of flat, smooth blacktop, with only a scattering of light posts and other bicycle magnets. It was a popular bike riding spot, as the factory it once served was now closed. As we got there and the other two kids went about riding, I took to the task of explaining to J---- about the best approach to riding, she being a first timer, had never rode or tried to ride a bike before.  It was her first 'big kids' bike, a flashy Purple one, a white basket strapped to the handlebars, and purple and white tassels flowing from the handle grips, I delighted in seeing her eyes light up as she had gone over it again and again as it sat in the hallway of our apartment, sometimes sitting on it as it leaned against the wall, imagining herself riding no doubt;  and I'm sure it was a challenge for her, the thought of trying to ride it.  But as I stood in front of her now, my hands holding the handlebars, balancing the bike with legs straddling the front wheel, she looked right in my face as I talked. First I told her to look around at all the other kids riding and having fun, I assured her she could do the same...I said, quietly and confidently as I could,

"...Listen J----, when you and other kids first try to ride, it's natural that you want to look down at your feet. What happens then is since you're not looking where you're going, you usually fall over...but, if you can keep looking straight ahead and concentrate on steering, you be riding all by yourself in a little while; now, believe me, I know this works. Just remember, you know where your feet are, you know what they are doing, you don't have to keep watching them, all you have to do is keep pedaling and don't stop, look where you're going, and steer, you already know how to hit the brakes, right....?...now trust me..this will work...."

I moved to one side of the bike, took up the classic launching stance and asked if she was ready, she said yes...I pushed her off yelling "...keep pedaling J----, just look where you're going...keep pedaling, don't look down"  well, she did keep pedaling and kept looking where she was going too, I followed for a few yards, to let her know I was there, then realized she was speeding away from me, I stopped and watched her, watched as for the most part of the next hour that kid never stopped riding...just kept pedaling, pedaling and steering. I took up a seat and watched as all three of our children took turns playing  'follow the leader' around that huge blacktop lot. Now, in the annals of world events, this is a very minor accomplishment, but remembering my own first time trying to learn how to ride, and remembering the joy I had when I finally mastered it, I knew how important it is to a kid; I was impressed, and I made sure J---- knew just how impressed I was.  I think the entire episode has something to do with our relationship today, I do know this, that although I'm sure this has happened to other parents and kids, in other blacktop lots, this riding like that the very first time out, I have not seen or been told of it, not like the way J---- did that day; but I saw it then, and as I say, I was Impressed; I had been back from the war for some time when this occurred, and that had been the last time I had really been impressed by anything or anyone, DJ not included here, she always impressed me; in the war it had been by a small skinny guy like myself, wearing black pajamas, he had a sock full of rice strapped across his back and a rifle in his hands, usually he was shouting "Yankee Go Home...". I had been impressed by him alright, but now, J---- had impressed me even more.  

I heard once that the bond between a mother and a child stems in large part due to their once physical connection and that the father comes to love and bond with that child through the eyes and actions of the mother.  I don’t know if it’s really true but it does makes sense to me.  That idea has been reinforced because of our current journey.  Over those four years as DJ and I talked, sometimes I would mention this to her and remind her that in loving them, she was also showing me how to love.  We shared a lot of things and taught each other a lot throughout our lives, but this is one of the greatest things I learned from her.  This entire process of sharing with those whom we love and may soon be without, exposes the many intricate details of our relationships if we are prepared to be honest, really honest.  Of course, friends grieve and mourn the passing of people they know and have developed relationships with, but naturally, within the family it’s different.  Consider this:  all of us in the immediate family feel that general sense of loss and sadness, it’s a natural consequence of the situation, but even more, there is the individual special relationships among those family members and the special pain related to that particular relationship; in our case there’s mother to daughters, mother to son, wife to husband, sibling to sibling, Donna to her mother, you get the idea…the sense of loss seems to be so different sometimes for each in many respects, yet so common among us all, and, in the final analysis, no less painful for any of us. 

 This struck me hard, it made me realize that yes, my wife, my partner was leaving, and my reaction to that is from one point of view, that of a long time friend and husband.  But my son and daughters were losing their MOTHER…think about that, losing your mother. A special kind of hell has to come along with that.  I spent my entire childhood and adult life knowing my dad, and I do remember how I felt when he passed, but here we’re talking about your mother, moms, ‘madea’.  That’s totally different and I have attempted to approach and relate to them with this in mind. My own mother died when I was I was 5 or so, my memory of her is somewhat fuzzy, I don’t remember enough to have the deep emotional attachments that develop over a long period of time between a mother and child as did our children. I have to remember that although our pain on one level is similar, on another level it is specific to each of them in relation to losing DJ. I think somehow it ties to my main thought, that despite the hurt, pain and uncertainty, they are enduring and she is proud of them, these gifts she has left me.  Think of the joy you feel when you know your own mother is proud of you, Perhaps knowing this will help ease their pain, some, again, I really don't know; I do know that I am doing all I can to insure they truly understand just how precious they are to DJ.

As I stated in a previous post, this record is about me trying to come to terms with what has happened, losing DJ, and now, not losing my mind.  An effort to make sense out of the most devastating thing that has happened in my life, so far. Both the children and myself are slowly coming to accept this new reality, but only because we have to.  My own thoughts are beginning to become more organized around the new situation, but I don’t like it and I know the kids don’t either; And I don't need permission from anyone to say that.