TrynAdd

In the previous triad of blogs I have attempted to say a little about our kids, briefly, and recount some ot the memories that are coming forth as I travel our twisted road of grief.  It is only my attempt to share a small portion of what actually comes to mind as I try to unravel and reweave these threads into a pattern I can better recognize and live with. As I remember the children and DJ''s interaction with them I am finding it a comfort; the memories are returning without so much of the pain that once ran right along side them. DJ remains at the center of all of this, memories of her with them, with me, and with our entire family in general and how her passing has affected not only me, but our children and the rest of those close to us. The memories which in the very beginning of this journey, I could not seem to recall...and how that failure to recall sent me into even a further panic of the highest order, how when the shock and raw un-believability of it all was so new, and so fresh in my mind and all I could focus on was the 24 hours just gone by. With my mind being bombarded by so many feelings, so many emotions; I was so lost at those times, and scared, so scared that I had lost the the ability to call up these memories, that I am sure it may have affected my early attempts at real grief healing; perhaps it is part of the grieving, I don't know. Recently I have begun to see the fog lifting...to see clearer those things of the past DJ and I shared, both joyful, and one's' I'd just as soon forget.

My memories of her and the kids are some of the best, like those times when she would be dressing them for some event or family gathering; fussing, tugging, and patting to make sure everything was just so...the times when there were birthday plans to be made, with rooms to decorate and cakes to buy...or, talks with me about special gifts for one or all of them...how, even during some of the bleakest times we lived through, she would remind me that no child should ever miss Christmas, especially her children...how she beamed at each of their First Communions, graduations, and weddings. I could not remember a lot of this at first, but now I can and I am grateful for that and for the gifts she left me, tho the world may share them too...the journey, though still arduous is less exhausting to some extent now. At the start of all of this, I was told that many times, some of us who are grieving become trapped in the belief that we cannot be healed; that our loss is felt so deeply that we convince ourselves that we are to be relegated to grief hell for the rest of our lives; here, age, station in life, or religious affiliation does not matter, only the state of mind. I thought long and hard about that statement because in some respects that was the path I believe I was on.  Later, as I thought about all of this I realized that I couldn't get trapped there...not because it is not what DJ wants, it is not because it's not what the children may want, it is not because of what anything or anyone out side of myself wants, it's simply because ''I'' don't want to be trapped there.

As I have benefited from group interaction in other aspects of my life in the past, I did attend some group grief counseling, it was very helpful in allowing me to learn about some of the issue's faced by all who grieve and something about the process itself; I even tried a one on one session...once...right up until the moment the one sitting across from me decided that my grief was not quite enough, and attempted to insure I had ''other'' things I needed to deal with. Now, this may be true, but those other things were in my life before DJ died, and I had not went over the edge....yet...or felt the way this grieving has had me feeling.  I didn't think I needed someone else looking for things I might need to work on, my own notes are quite extensive on what my character defects are; I'm sure this counselor was an aberration, as I am sure there are many who do not have this approach; I do not read books on grief or attend seminars about it either; I neither disdain or disparage them, I simply do not do them. If pressed, I might say something like ''...seriously...?...I was there, I lived this shit, I don't need anyone or anything to tell me how I should feel or what I actually do feel...that is inside of me, and for me, the answers have to reside there also; it doesn't matter if the answers doesn't make sense to anyone else, they don't have to, they only need to make sense to me.  I did not dream it, it happened and I know it for a fact. Now if you have something to offer about me regaining what I have lost, I can listen, otherwise, thank you, no.''...that's only if I was pressed. Pills were suggested, but for me, this cannot be a consideration, I don't think that I tried to mask my life and love for DJ, I would feel as though I would be 'cheating' if I did not endure this, full force and completely, with all the attendant emotions, passion and pain, just as DJ and I tried to live; for me I have found that calling up what meager bits of integrity I have is a must in this. Now, tablets for enhancing the color spectrum, or to hear hidden messages in the music is another story; I do understand that many of us require medication and I have seen in my own family how it can help...I just choose not to use them. I am sure there are scores of people who swear by these and more; I am truly happy that they have found a means to help them survive this hell. I did not take it seriously when those I know said''anything I can do, let me know...''  or ''..I'll be in touch..'' , and I haven't heard from them since...those that didn't call or come around before, still don't, why should they?  To be around this grief? To have to consider their own demise?  Hell, I wouldn't be here had it not happened to me...I'm sure that I've said those very same things at one time or another and I know for a fact that I have not made one call either. Those friends who always did call and come by, still do. But I understood from the very beginning, I  would have get myself through this, it was never a question of ''if'' I would survive this, it always was and still is a matter of if I wanted to or not, and then, if I decided I wanted to, just what was required to do it. Some of the more difficult issues surrounding all of this I was able to put to rest once the initial shock began to wear off, other things I am attempting to work on now. But this is just what I think...just how I feel I have to approach this entire situation.

DJ's place in my life is secure, these things we shared and lived are in my heart (look closely, I am pointing at my head, not my chest...), they cannot be infringed upon by any external forces, be it my ability to share the rest of my life with someone else, remaining in the loop of ''why this all had to be'', or wishing my life away over something I know will never be, her return...of course this is just me, I can only say what I think...I believe the ability to respect and enjoy the uniqueness of another individual, even to the depths that I shared with DJ spanning 45 years cannot be ignored, not by me at least...despite what I see as a common myth, more than one ''A'' can be had in this class of life without denying the true validity of any of them,...without feeling disloyal to one, and a phoney to the others; on this lesson, school is not out, not just yet. It cannot be denied that there are considerations to be made, that adjustments have to be accounted for and that to a certain extent, a degree of selfishness is involved. But these things played a factor in my life before so it is only natural that it be the same now. This, for me is called ''living'', and if I choose to live through this period it cannot be with the dread that fear is waiting on the other side...the fear of living without DJ, the fear that the memory of her will be lost to me, the fear that I am no longer ''whole''; I am whole. It is true that I feel that something is missing, but I can identify it, I know what it is...that void should be there; DJ is gone. I have decided that it is better if I do not go on some Quixote-esque search for something to fill it...for sure that void causes some pain, and can trigger periods of profound sadness, but I think that is as it should be also; DJ being gone is painful, and I expect the background sadness will continue.  For me it has to be lived with, accepted and placed in the proper safe place. But It cannot be an impediment to me continuing to live. I think that for me to feel any other way, would be a concession to the notion that ''I cannot be healed'' and I just don't believe that. True, there is pain involved in all of this, and I think that is as it should be also, it reflects our understanding of just what has happened to us...it is the price we pay for deep love I am told, this....pain. 

So, as the memories continue to bombard me and cause swinging emotions and periods of sadness  and longing, I attempt to keep all of this in mind about this healing. I try to remind myself that I cannot wait for this to happen to me, this healing, in fact what has already ''happened'' to me is quite enough for a while; I am striving to make something happen though. Only time will tell if this exercise will be fully successful or not, or if I will find myself floundering, gasping for life breath as the waters of living recede...No, DJ would not want that, neither would the children but in the final breakdown, all of this is really not up to them...it is up to me.

''...just keep pedaling...''