Ms.McKoKo&HerColaBuddy

 Our oldest daughter, J---- had moved back home with us during the year before DJ had been diagnosed, it wasn't a big deal or anything, the moving back in; we had always told our kids that as long as we had a place to live, they had a place; financial, or marital status being no barrier to them being always welcomed back.

My own folks had stressed this with me and my siblings, and DJ and I tried to carry it forward.  I can never forget the peace it gave me as I ventured out in life and tried to establish just what was required to make it in this world, and DJ and I had actually lived with my parents for a period early on.  The only real stipulation we had was that a couple of basic rules should be followed and no TV's or other household items could come up missing. The exact reasons for her moving back was  never discussed, inquired about or encouraged to be brought forward by us; she wanted to come home and she wasn't a fugitive, 'nuff said; although a very clear picture of the reason would emerge soon after she did move back in.  Aside from some residual things like the 'mother/daughter' syndrome (something which, although, I witnessed first hand many times, I have come to place with the Bermuda Triangle, how 3 in 1 oil really works, and the mystery of The Immaculate Conception; things which I can never understand, and which, for my own sanity, I am better off not probing into too much. Here, ignorance is truly bliss), we all got along really well.

By the time J---- moved back in with us, she had given birth to her daughter, and our 5th Grandchild. Among the names I use for this grandchild, and one which is my favorite, is "Ms. McKoKo", with the Ms. being quite appropriate as time would soon bear out over the next four years, and McKoKo rhyming with her given name. Ms. McKoKo was about 18mos old at this time and really getting around pretty well as I remember...for a while DJ watched her during the day as her mother worked, so they became fast friends. Even after the diagnosis, when DJ was still very active, it would be McKoKo and DJ doing something together.  I'm really glad that DJ had those times and that opportunity; we would talk about it sometimes and she would say this was one of the toughest things for her...knowing that she would not be there for this or that, when Ms. McKoKo did it, or how she was going to miss her graduating from Kindergarten, Grammar school and the rest. It was at these times that we were exposed to the full horror of the helplessness we were involved with, the true impact of what was occurring would come to us, full force, straight, no chaser. But she and Ms. McKoKo did spend a lot of time together, DJ normally didn't drive a lot although she could drive and did up until the last three months. But she would drive for Ms. McKoKo...they were running buddies.

Ms. McKoKo came to love dark cola, probably because DJ and I never passed up the opportunity to give it to her when she asked...finally J---- said, ''...look, I really don't want her to have all that sugar and stuff guys, help me out here...''.  I had no problem telling Ms. McKoKo no, when she would say ''sip please'' indicating she wanted a sip of the soda from the straw that usually stood in the can; I would offer one of the alternative pure fruit juices we had laid in order to replace the soda, and to avoid having Ms. McKoKo hear the word 'no'. It had been established long ago in our house by DJ and I that the word no was used sparingly; we figured the kids would hear that often enough in their lives and we didn't need to breed it in any more than necessary; there were always alternatives...there was always an 'or', not always what they wanted, but not just not so many 'no's'.  Anyway, as I say, I was going along with the program, but DJ just couldn't resist acceding to Ms. McKoKo wishes for a ''sip please''.  So it became somewhat of a game...Ms. McKoKo asking when her mother was not in sight, and DJ letting her, saying ''small sip only''...after a couple of those, DJ would finally say ''...no, you've had enough...'', and things would move on. But this small act between them only enhanced what was already a 'great relationship' and it was fun to watch.

During the last few weeks of her life, DJ might be laying in the bed, Ms. McKoKo would join her there, rubbing her stomach or some other part of DJ's body that might be hurting...or just lay there with her; by now Ms. McKoKo was a good 4 years old, with her next birthday only a few months away. Their relationship continued to be great and I am so glad that it was able to give DJ so much joy at such a painful time in her life. Coming in from work, I would find them laying in the bed, or on the lounger, Ms. McKoKo  'reading' to DJ, and insisting that she listen to every word; DJ might say ''...I don't like this class, the teacher is not so nice...''.  Of course any of the animated movie series that happened to be out, they would watch together...now that I think about it, the cartoon movies didn't have to be current...I can probably do all the parts to Shrek, and I have not seen the entire movie in one sitting, not once.  Or they might be in the back yard working in the small area DJ had set aside to plant herbs in.  Many times I have come home, found the back door open and have seen those two out there, at the far end of the yard involved in some plot to insure the growth of those small plants; I wouldn't be noticed and I would sit on the top step of the stairs leading to the yard and watch them, and sometimes cry silently...

As the end approached, Ms. McKoKo was right there, right with us for everything, with as much of what we could explain being told to her every step of the way.  She understood grandma was sick, she understood that grandma needed her medicine; it was a favorite of theirs for DJ to ask Ms. McKoKo to ''...get my legs, girl...'', meaning the cane with four small feet at the bottom.  Ms. McKoKo was always there,always ready to help DJ anyway she could.  Sometimes it was the  pillbox marked with the days of the week, or a bottle of water filled from the fountain we had from a water service, because DJ had come to crave very cold water. These things and all the others they shared, bonded them in a way that is not necessary for me to understand, but only to remember and enjoy.  J---- and I had talked, and she had said that Ms. McKoKo had to be there, throughout, if she wanted to...I had agreed, but J---- had brought the subject up.  So it was. During the last three days of her life, barely recognizing any of us, DJ laid there, sometimes seeming to be aware, at others appearing to fade further and further from us.  Ms. McKoKo was right there next to her...rubbing her arms or putting lotion on her legs; that was her primary job at this time of the illness...once, she put so much lotion on them that they looked liked chrome baseball bats, we all had a good laugh, that was one of DJ's last real laughs that I would swear by. On the last day, all day, Ms. McKoKo was there, doing what she had come to do...lay next to DJ and rub...rub whatever.  I cannot say what she was thinking, she is only 5, and asking her wouldn't be fair, at least I don't think so...that night as she had done on so many previous nights before going to bed, Ms. McKoKo hugged DJ and said ''Love you grandma, gonna' say a prayer for you...''.  I'm not sure DJ heard her, or recognized any of us by then, but I want to believe she did. DJ died very early that next morning, too early for anyone to be awakened, but I was there; I wanted until the usual get up time and stopped J---- as she came out of the back bedroom; I told her...she went and woke Ms. McKoKo, and together they both went into our bedroom and sat with DJ for a while...As I sat at our dining room table, I could hear J----'s voice, speaking low to Ms. McKoKo between semi stifled sobs. Surprisingly, when J---- opened the door to the bed room and I went in, Ms. McKoKo was not in the uncontrollable state I had expected...she was laying on the lounger with her head on DJ's chest...as I say, she was there for everything. We thought it was fitting, both of them, the two buddies, lying there together; that picture, capturing this time, along with so may others will be in my mind until I no longer have one.  Ms. McKoKo was also there for what followed, no need to detail that here, we all know what happened next...J----  had decided that seeing the lowering was not the image Ms. McKoKo needed to have in her mind for the rest of her life, to not have that as a last memory, so she sat in the car with J---- and myself...we too had decided not to have that image...we already had our own picture of seeing DJ for the last time in our minds. I'm glad Ms. McKoKo can have the image of being with her ''grandma'', on grandma's lounger, in grandma's bedroom in front of the TV that she and grandma enjoyed so many other fun images on, and listening to the music they loved to share. I like that picture myself, the picture of her laying on the lounger with her ColaBuddy one last time.

Pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings