Gift1

L-M-- is our only son and oldest child, being the first grandchild to DJ's parents did have it's advantages. Being born during the time I was overseas, my level of anticipation and anxiety at the thought of seeing him for the first time was somewhat overwhelming. Add to that the fact that I had not seen DJ for over 13 months, and the whole coming home thing was almost a recipe for PTSD in my case. Actually LM shares many firsts just as DJ's passing has introduced many new 'firsts' in our lives. I'm sure DJ thought she was doing me an honor by giving him my first name...or maybe she was thinking that I may not make it back and somehow it would keep my memory close to her...at any rate he has it. To lower confusion within the family it was decided to call him by his middle name L-M--...and it has worked, so far. But this naming business also lead to our first argument upon my return, with DJ saying she was the momma and liked it and me saying I had the name first, and he should have his ''own'' name, his own identity, so as not to be a ''jr'' and have the subconscious negative connotation that I think goes with that. The name remains the same so you can figure out who got the best of that ''discussion''. LM was the first male grandchild for either of our families and naturally he was spoiled rotten by the time I got home...it took a while, but he was soon brought under control...if control can be associated with a 6month child. Many people are taken aback when they learn that until the children were into their teenage years they called me by my first name...I never had a problem with it, when DJ attempted to correct them, and they told her I said it was o.k...our second major disagreement ensued.  This time I explained to her that I did not want them to ever mix me up with some idea of a TV ''Dad''; I was not Ward Clever, they needed to understand that the roles they saw being played on TV was just that, playing, just as I insisted they be allowed to have their own personalities, I should too had to be recognized for who I am, and that I took this kid raising business seriously, Ward Clever might give you a pass on some bs you pulled, but Fred, would keep it real with them. I won this arguement, and later, when I became ''Pop", "Dad", and in some cases ''father'', we would talk about this, the entire family, and laugh at those who thought it was odd...for us it was as natural as beathing.

You can imagine the fretting and fussing that went on around and about LM; DJ really began my education in loving our children with LM; I could tell just from watching them that there was something at work there and probably no mater how long I lived I would never quite understand it fully, but I knew it was something very special, something that even I had to tread carefully around. Once, when he was about 6 or 7, I remember him saying  to DJ, that he was never going to leave her...that he would always be there. Well, despite a stint in the service, marriage and 4 children of his own, and many other things, that something special lasted between the two of them; and I can say for a fact that it lasted at least until the end of one lifetime...right down to the very end; hours, minutes and final seconds, because I was there too. That is one promise that I do know he kept in a lifetime.

Through the early years LM grew as most young boys do, and since he was the only child for a full two years, the crimes he got away with are legend in the family. Of course DJ would make the rounds to various family members to show him off...sometimes I would be with her; I could always tell she never quite trusted anyone else with him too much ...ha...maybe that's the way of all young mothers. But she was a good mother to him and all our children, never failing to dispense the right amount of correction or affection at any given time, most of the time. When our first daughter, J---- was born, it was a favorite of her's to have almost monthly pictures taken of them, some individually and some with LM making his best attempts at holding J----. Today I remember those times as if they occured only last week, tho I really know how long ago that actually was...it was that one lifetime ago. After our second daughter LT was born, both DJ and I saw to it that LM understood that he held a special responsibility, being the 'big brother', and with few exceptions, he took the job very seriously...When our youngest started Kindergarten, LM was in 4th or 5th grade, and was responsible for making sure everyone got to and from school; the school itself was a straight shot on the bus...perhaps 8 blocks, and DJ had given the o.k. for them to rid the bus. The summer before school started that first time for riding the bus, I would take LM on the route, reminding him that his sisters should be in front of him, that they all should stay together within arms length, that nothing should separate them, and any failure by his sisters to follow his instructions should be reported to me.  At first it was just he and I, standing at the stop...talking...then climbing the stairs to the bus with me showing him the best seats to try and get, close to the driver, standing right behind him if necessary...when we would reach the school, there would be a crossing guard there, listen to her, and no one should get hit by a car; I would be waiting at the return stop when they came home. The main lesson was that three of them left the house, and three must return...if they were ever harassed by anyone while riding that bus, ''FIRE" was to be yelled by all three of them at the top of their lungs, they would get some attention, I had all three practice this too, I let him know that rarely do people respond to cries for ''help'', but fire appeared to draw everyone's attention.  We did this several times, riding the bus, just he and I, then it was the three children and I and finally for a few days a week at the end of the summer, it was him and the girls taking that bus ride. I had told him I trusted him to do what was needed, and really tried to act as if it was as natural as breathing, but of course I was worried, DJ was terrified. LM did what I had asked him to do, and all the children graduated from that same grammar school with very few incidents to report regarding their daily commute.

Now, as I remember the recent past, his pledge to ''never'' leave DJ came to mind. LM was living with us at the time of the diagnosis and was there at the end; he and I took turns that last nite and early morning as DJ's life slowly came to a halt. The previous day had been tortuous, with her breathing erratic and labored, together he and I suffered through that night with DJ, until the next morning, as steady shallow breaths returned. After the other family members had left for that day, most suspecting that the end was near, he and I stood in our kitchen and agreed that DJ probably wouldn't last the night. So, between he and I we kept the final watch. Again until just recently thinking of all of this would almost paralyze me...it was too unbelievable to grasp then, too unreal to be true; but it was and is true. As I watched him during those final hours, rubbing her hand and silently crying, wiping her face...every now and then, leaning over to gently hug her, I thought of all the times in years past when I had watched them together, when it was DJ doing the rubbing, face, hair, whatever...I remember consciously thinking that I needed to remember all those times and how they all led to here and to now, and how I would need to remember this time also; DJ's gift to us, bearing the return of genuine love and caring when she needed it the most, and LM needing it also.

Now the memory of all of this can be dealt with; it can be put in that safe place and recalled without fear of the devastating pain that once accompanied it. And that really is the point of this entire exercise for me; to be able to have the memories that will surely come and not have the thought of those times send me reeling into the pain and despair that grief offers. It appears to be happening for me, but I am not sure. There are more memories to process and although some have been put to rest, I do not know if that will hold true for all of them. We shall see. I have come to believe that only, that one thing which we have all come to loathe in one way or another will tell, and that is time.

Ahead...