23-Life

As I’ve mentioned before, until I really started looking into the grieving process, I had the notion that it was like most things you go through in life…you examine it, try to understand it, and then make a plan to deal with it, get it over with.  So, after we found out just how sick Donna was, I think I started to try to grieve right then.  I tried to approached it the way I tried to do everything, head on.  Trying to imagine life without her was difficult, strange; doing the simplest things would trigger all kinds of thoughts.  Making the coffee each night for the next morning I would think ‘…one day you won’t need 4 scoops…’ or if we were doing something together, the thought that one day, I wouldn’t be able to do these things with her, would flash across my mind.  Sometimes when  I was alone, I would try to play out a whole scenario where Donna was not a part of it…often I would end up crying, it was just too difficult to think about.   But I kept trying to do it and after a while, I found it becoming automatic, but it wasn’t quite complete.  No matter what we were doing, alone or with friends or family, at outings, family events, or just watching her sleep, I was constantly trying to imagine it all happening without Donna.  I think that after a while I thought I had a pretty good fix on how it would be.  Oh, I knew I couldn’t envision how it would actually be, but I thought I had a good idea of it.  I was wrong, or mabey I should say that my mind could not imagine the many twists and turns that losing someone special to you can cause in your mind.

As I continue to examine the many emotions that are triggered by this grief, I am forced to realize that all of this has to be put in context of our entire lives, my entire life.  In believing that my life was  a gift from my Higher Power, and that I am responsible for that life, I now believe that this part of it has to be meshed with all the other parts of my life.  When I was in the war, I remember thinking at the time that one day it would all be over and that if I lived I would be able to put it behind me.  That didn’t happen, what actually happened was that I learned to incorporate that experience into my life and as time passed it became a natural part me.  The memories of the events of that time, good and bad, have become part of my life, part of me.  We cannot put these types of events ‘behind’ us, they live inside of us.  Once I had a better grip on the grieving process, at about 6 weeks I decided that I had to be immersed in it if I was to really move on.  I began to read everything I could find about losing a spouse or significant other; I joined grief forums and newsletters, I started this blog.  I wanted to know how others dealt with the loss of that special someone with whom they had shared a deep intimate relationship and how they managed to blend it in their ‘new’ lives. I know that it is different for each of us, but I did manage to get some insight in how the process worked. 

The gift of life given to me has to be celebrated if I am to remain true to my gift giver.  As I wallow  (and wallow I must, no half measures here…) in this grief I remind myself that this has  to be only temporary, I cannot, I will not live in it.  Actually I don’t believe we can live in it; I don’t think anyone would  say that staying in that state of pain and anguish, is living.  So perhaps these pages represent more that just an attempt to get through this time of loss, maybe they are also an effort to  understand how it fits into my entire life.  


I am coming to believe that is the real challenge.  My family  and I are made up of more that just Donna’s death, we are more that just the pain we feel at her loss.  Donna is more that just her death.  When all is said and done, we all are the totality of our experiences throughout our lives.  I am going forward with these thoughts in mind, that as I travel through this grief I concentrate on how this has to become part of me, part of a new life, a huge part, but still, only a part of it. 

Since coming to this decision I have slept a bit better, the background anxiety has eased some, and I can carry the weight of the sadness a lot better.   This is not to say that the waves of grief have stopped, they haven’t, but now, though they are painful, at least I know what they are. There are still moments of shock and a devastating sense of loss at times.  
The things I mention here apply to me and my attempts at healing;  they are my thoughts and conclusions this far in my journey.  They are my attempts understand all that is happening and try to make some sense of it; just one person’s feelings about an incredibly difficult journey, through an unimaginably sad experience.  Currently I’m concentrating on slowing down, taking more time to do things,  I now realize that for the past 4 years it seems as if me and our family had been running a race.  Maybe subconsciously we were.  Everything was centered around Donna; time, when certain things could be done, appointments &ct.  Now, there’s no particular need to rush, it’s done.  We can all get off of that merry-go-round. So trying to slow down has been a challenge.  I am also making a conscious effort to remember my faith.  If I am to believe in this life it has to start there for me. It's strange that after  reminding Donna of that so often during the last days, that now I have to remind myself of it…faith. 

As I have said, time appears to be doing what nothing else could, ease the pain.  But I can’t expect time to do it all, I have to take an active role in surviving this grief.  Through this blog and other things that’s what I’m trying to do. Maybe it will help someone else too...

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

21-Smile

“When you smile at me, you know I will understand ‘cause that’s something everybody, everywhere, does in the same language…”   

(Jefferson Airplane-1969)

This has to be one of my all time favorite opening lines from any song.  Yeah, the Airplane is alright, Donna didn’t think much of them though…anyway, from the first time I heard those words, they struck a chord in me.  Think about it, a smile is universal, it doesn’t require you to learn a second language to communicate, it transcends all boundaries of culture, race, creed, color, or national origin.  It can allow you to convey a certain message to anyone, anywhere in the world.  I love Donna’s smile, when I see it in a picture or think of it I still get Goosebumps.  It’s something that we can do daily and it won’t cost us a thing; it is said that it takes more energy and facial muscles to make a frown rather than to smile.  I don’t know about that, but I do know that a smile is powerful.  Now, this is not to say that all smiles are welcomed or sought out, some smiles we would just as soon as ignore; the leering smile, the smile from an unwanted admirer, or the smile of arrogance some folks love to display.  Here, I’m talking about the desired smile, the smile that you seek out and hunger for.  The smiles from the special people in our lives.  Although I’m finding it difficult to smile at times these days, that does not diminish the power of a smile or the fact that we human beings respond to them. 

A smile can come to the rescue when words seem inadequate, when the moment demands silence and any attempt at conversation would be futile.  I’m sure the world could use more smiles, I know I wouldn’t mind more of them.  Of course we human beings can find fault with anything, and that includes smiles; you go around smiling too much and you may appear suspicious to some people, or have them think you’re a candidate for the backwards shirt.  That’s sad in a way because I’m sure, a smile has helped many a person through a trying time.  Through this process they have helped me; smiles from friends and family just when I needed it has made this journey somewhat easier.  I hoped that in most cases I have been able to respond in kind, but I’m sure I have fallen short on that score.  As I say, they have been a comfort to me and in part, this is what prompted me to string these words together.  I had not realized how much I missed Donna’s smile until I came across a particularly good picture of her at our youngest daughter’s wedding.  Though in the midst of the illness, in that picture she appeared as if she didn’t have a care in the world, as if that wedding and the ensuing party would go on forever…as if we would go on forever.  Although deep down we knew different, that day, her smile had even me convinced that all was right with world, and mabey, just mabey, it was.

Of course this was not the first time I had seen that type of smile from her, over the years I had seen it many times on many different occasions.  But now, at the wedding it just seemed to be even more special. I remember the smile she had when I told her how I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, marry her and make a home with her, when I explained to her that I had thought it out, and she had to be mine, I remember how all those many years ago she smiled with pride as I asked her to wear my class ring and later how she beamed as her friends made a fuss over her engagement ring and our plans for marriage. I remember how she would smile when we shared a special moment such as me getting her something she really wanted, or her smile to me, when she did the same for me; the smile she had when as a young parent she would look at our children …these simple acts, this smiling endeared me to her and now has me longing to see it again, in the flesh.  Over our last 4 years together we had many chances for smiles and we tried to make the best of those chances.  We were really blessed in that regard. 

I only mention this in the hope that we all may reconsider the simple smile and offer it to others more often, especially those people we say we love and care about. Offer that smile even tho we may not really feel like it; it's easy to smile when things are going great, not so easy when the world keeps throwing us curve ball after curve ball. I sincerely believe that our world cannot have too many of them.  A couple of days before she took her final breath, as I sat, tears streaming down my face, holding her in my arms, telling her how special she was and how much we all loved her, telling her how much I loved her, I looked at her face, trying to take in everything about it and hoping for a smile.  By this time she was in and out of consciousness speech had all but deserted her, and it was difficult to tell what she actually heard although it appeared she would respond sometimes.  

As I watched her and talked to her, I told a private joke we shared from years ago; I’m not sure because my mind was not in the best shape at that time, but I choose to believe that as I told that joke, I saw that familiar smile come across her face, that smile i love so much; i think she smiled...i hope she smiled....she did smile.  Despite everything that was happening, that made me smile too.

pax

                                                                                                    

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

131-Leaving

‘We are left behind, shipwrecked on our islands of                sorrow…’

 Recently I had a dream about Donna, it is one of only a couple of real dreams that I have had since she passed, by real, I guess I mean it’s the first dream that I can recall where i remember most of it.  In the dream Donna was leaving me, not by dying, but the good old “we’re through, I’m outta’ here…” type of leaving.  In the dream I remember trying to convince her to stay; I don’t remember if I succeeded or not, but it did make me think of the times before now when we had been separated, when one of us left, for whatever reason; work related, out of town visits &ct.  The first time I can recall is in May of 1969, I had just came home from work and there was a letter on my bed…it was a draft notice; I would be leaving for the Army at the end of July.  I remember being panicked and saddened; we had been making plans to be married, had just bought a new car, and now this.

When I broke the news to Donna, of course, we both cried  This was to be our first real separation in about 4 years, up till then we had seen each other almost everyday, and had at least talked everyday for sure.    We talked about our fears that I might get wounded or killed…there was a shooting war going on then…we talked about what this meant for our plans….I would be gone at a minimum of two years, but we wanted to do everything NOW…eventually we came to terms with it, we had no choice.  We packed a lot of living into those two months before I left, but it was still devastating when I had to actually leave.  The image of her standing in the airport as I looked back from the boarding ramp…that image is forever imprinted in my mind. While away, I remember missing her so much and only be comforted by the thought that it was only for a year, then I would be back in the states.of course we wrote to each other during my training, and there were phone calls, but nothing matched the day I came home of my first leave…I was home for Christmas that year... Ultimately I was sent overseas and that truly was a hellish time. Staying in touch by mail was awkward at best, our letters were always about a week or more behind. During this time we once had a disagreement that lasted 3 months because of this.  Our first son was born while I was away; while she was pregnant  I had worried like heck, that’s all I could do, worry.  Eventually I made it back home, but this had been our first major separation.

We had been married for about 3 years when I got the bright idea that everyone would be better off if I left her and the children (our first daughter had been born in the interim), so I moved back to my parents place.  I don’t remember this separation as being that painful, for a while I was full of self righteousness about whatever the blowup was about, and felt like I didn’t need or want her in my life.  After a few months I was begging her take me back, to give our marriage another chance; I admit it, I groveled.  That was the first and only time we had that type of separation and I’m glad it only happened once.  There were other separations, visits to out of town relatives, a stay in Florida to do training for her job, and other away times, but they all held the promise of a return; this current absence does not have that possibility.  But even during the away times, brief as they may have been, we missed each other immensely. I think Donna and I for whatever reason were really into each other in a very special way and any separation however short was somewhat painful for us.  I think this was because we relied on each other so much, almost to the exclusion of others.   That may or may not be a good thing, but I think that’s the way it was for us.  When we began the journey of her final leaving, it was with great sadness and anticipation, we had very little experience at being apart and for both of us it was going to be a challenge; for her, facing the prospect of death and all that comes with it, fear of the unknown and just pure terror at the thought itself.  For me, what to do after, not only what to do, but how would I do it…whatever it was.  We talked about it, but it was in terms of our hopes and wishes about how we wanted it to be…we had no idea.  We may have concluded that ‘why worry about…’, I just don’t remember…

It may do us well to reconsider this leaving business, I don’t mean just dying, I’m talking about the everyday leavings that occur in our lives.  That ‘I’m going to the mall…’ leaving, that ‘I’m running to the store…’ leaving, the leavings we do every day  and take for granted that we will be returning; ’I’ll be right back’…mabey not.  It forces the realization that to those we say we love and care about, we should be more patient, more giving, more willing to recognize and embrace their differences. I did a lot of those of things, but now I wish I had done more. I think we all want to live our lives without regrets, but really, how much work do we put into making it happen?  In a huge way I have been blessed; once we knew where we were headed, I had the chance to do more of those things with Donna on purpose.  I was forced to remember that our time was limited and I needed to take every opportunity to let her know how I felt about her and just how important she was to me.

These days the things I’ve mentioned have become a larger part of my life.  Partly because of what Donna and I went through, and partly because I believe it’s just the next right thing to do. I don’t want to remain on this ‘Island of Sorrow’, this is just a stopover. I’m trying to make a conscious effort to let the special people in my life know that they are special to me, for whatever it’s worth.  I don’t do this with the fear that they will be leaving in any permanent way anytime soon, I doing it because I want them to know they’re special to me and because it makes me feel good.  No one wants to get left, but sometimes it’s out of our control; we have to recognize that all leaving is a part of life, it’s how we deal with the aftermath that’s important.  


With that I think I’ll be leaving…for now...

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

130-Best Friends

 Recently, in going over our lives together, naturally I thought about when I first met Donna and the events that led to us eventually getting together.  It had been a struggle to deal with this memory  without coming to tears.

Before I officially met Donna, I had seen her; I had been a paperboy (when there was such a person ), and their house had been one of my stops.  I remember seeing her and her sister there.  Sometimes when I would stop by to get paid and she would send me to where her mother worked to collect for the subscription... strange that a few years later I would be introduced to her and have my heart stolen by her at that introduction.  A word about best friends…of course Donna became my best friend and more, but in the beginning, my best friend B--- had introduced me to his girlfriend…Donna...  Maybe I wasn’t his best friend because as soon as I met her my mind turned to how I could make her my best friend.  I know, I acted like a pig, but I don't apologize.   

In our last year of high school B--- and I  had become best friends, somewhat.  He and I would talk about the people we knew and the things we did away from school, and I had learned about his friends and his girlfriend.  I had not met her yet.  As graduation drew near, he and I made plans to hang out that summer.  On the last day of school after class we went to the block where he lived, and that’s when I met her.  She has been in my life and mind ever since...  Anyway, as the summer progressed, B--- and Donna seemed to drift apart, not from anything I was actively doing but because of their situation in general.  B--- had already let it be known that he was working that summer to save money to go to California and because Donna had another year before she graduated, he would be going alone and send for her later. There was another girl I met on his block and she and I and B--- and Donna became inseparable.  It was all innocent enough, but B--- worked many hours that summer and most times it was just me and the two girls.  At the time I was the only one with a car and the three of us would drive everywhere.  The more I was around her, the more I recognized how much Donna was in my thoughts, actually, she was driving me crazy.

Towards the end of the summer B--- left for California and Donna was devastated; of course my shoulder was always there for her to cry on, and though it was painful sometimes, i would listen to her as she described her feelings of disappointment.   We three that remained became even closer, doing more and more things together, bowling, hobby shops, museums  &ct.  Those were great times and I actually became a fixture at Donna’s house, that’s where our group would hang out and where I would meet my girl.  I ingratiated myself to her family and let it be known to the other male friends that hung around exactly  where my sights were set.  I gently began to insinuate myself into her thoughts (or tried to).  B--- and Donna’s long distance relationship was showing signs of wear and by the time the new year rolled around I think it was pretty much a done deal…B--- not coming home for that Christmas and along with the many insecurities 17-18 year old girls have, well, it was too much.  I think the final straw for Donna was when B--- said he wouldn’t be able to be there for her Prom.  By this time I was no longer with the girl I had been seeing (surprise) and Donna and I had become a ‘just friends’ couple…yeah, right.  We still went places, did things together and talked...during this time Donna and I had talked about our hopes for the future, our dreams, our likes and dislikes…what our plans were, we talked about everything.  I think we really got to know each other and I was falling even harder for her.  Up to his point we were not romantically linked, no physical involvement but man, she was running around in my head for sure!  Anyway it was decided that we would go to her Prom together as 'just friends' (another yeah, right, please)...we went to that Prom and had one hell of an adventure (that’s another story for another time…).  As we sat in the car in front of her house in the wee hours of that morning, I explained to her that my girl would’ve went to California with me…that I would’ve waited until my girl graduated, that at the very least I would have made it to my girl’s Prom and graduation.  Yes, now I was actively pursuing her, the proverbial cat was out of the bag.  

After that night and morning it was settled, it was the two of us from then on.  Within a couple of weeks visions of the motorcycle I had been saving for faded and Donna had an engagement ring on her finger.  Later that year when B--- returned home for a visit, we all went to dinner together and had a very adult conversation. 

Tragically, many years later B--- would be found dead in a Chicago hotel room...he had been dead for a few days.  The three of us had remained friends over the years and he had  visited our home many times over those years when he would come to town, his loss hit us hard.

This memory does not bring me pain now; it brings me much joy. Up to this point, 3 mos., I think I had made a conscious effort to avoid this specific memory about how we first got together, that was bothering me; I didn’t want to remember that sweet time of our youth and the events that brought us together because it was too painful, it brought me to tears, but I understand that to go forward through this grief, all memories have to have a proper fit in the new life along with all the rest.  I have to be able to recall it without too much regret and pain.  The words I offer in these pages are not intended to be a guide for anyone else, they are the ramblings of someone who is struggling to get some perspective not only on a long term personal relationship with someone, and the loss of that relationship,  but also on the larger picture of life itself.  I believe that’s what this whole thing is about, living and understanding what we can about this wonderful gift we call life.  This grieving is only a portion of that life, and i don't want it to be the only definition of me or my life.

  The passage of time, short as it has been, has allowed me to be able to visit that memory comfortably.  As I reexamine this and other memories, It gives me hope that this entire process can blended into a new life and that the new life does not have to be painful...well not too painful.

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

129-Knew Me

(Knew Me)

When I thought about starting this blog I considered how much I would be willing to reveal and put up for public scrutiny.  The wannabe writer in me got stuck on the honesty/privacy issue for a while and it delayed my doing this right away.  I came to the conclusion that it’s not like I’m shooting for a Pulitzer Prize or something, just some personal observations on what I consider a personal tragedy and our journey through it. Now, after a few posts I want to exorcise a demon that has been plaguing me throughout these posts.  The demon of what I would like to shout from the highest point on the earth and what i actually do write.  I understand that when writing, there is always the temptation to cater to the proposed audience, but here, that doesn’t apply; I’m relating issues of personal observations and feeling and for me there aren’t any guidelines for this as each person is different.  So with that poorly disguised disclaimer I continue.  What follows is some of what I really wanted to put in this blog from the very first post, but didn’t because of propriety, for fear of turning folks off or having people think I’m a jerk (don't really mind about that last one).

  {note: some of the phrasing below I have borrowed from other people in posts from other places, but they express my sentiments perfectly}


Old Me:

First off, I don’t like this sh---y idea of Donna dying…  I did not agree to this. This is a bunch of B---S--- and somebody needs to rectify this situation.  There’s hell to be paid and I’m just looking for the a--hole who has to pay it.  This was not in my plans, and when things don’t go as I plan, I get pissed, and I don’t mind acting like it.  I don’t want a drink, I don’t want a drug, what I really want to do is find the culprit and yank its head through it’s a-- and have a dog skull f--- it.  You will not like me when I’m pissed; there are only three bad m-----f-----s in this world, one’s dead and I’m looking for the other one…Somebody lied to me, I don’t like this s---, my baby is gone and the house is empty; this s--- is scary, there’s no one here to see me.  There’s no one here to act like they understand what I’m saying when we talk.  We said this was for always but no one told me always would only come for us one at a time.  I want a life, not a fight for survival and that's what I have; if I wanted a fight, I know how to pick one and have the scars to prove it.

Our marriage didn’t get a chance to end, my wife’s life ended. Why the F--- am I still here?

‘I know exactly how you feel’---No you don't. You have no f-----g clue. Not even an inkling.  Don’t say that s--- to me, please (fortunately not too many people have).  F---  all this B---S--- of things can only make you stronger, I was strong as I wanted to be.  I ain’t trying to join no circus, If I had wanted more strength, I would have eaten Wheaties. F--- you Death you evil son of a B----, you came in the night like a coward and took what was MINE! F--- YOU CANCER.. for reducing my strong beautiful wife to a pile of skin and bones before my eyes! F---  you for causing her pain! F---  you for robbing her of her life! F---  you for taking my children’s mother away! F---  kity F---  F---  you for ripping the love of my life from my arms and leaving me to live in the devastation that is left of my F--- ed up life! F--- you and the horse you rode in on, you rotten evil mother F--- er!! ROT IN HELL CANCER!!  F--- the Holidays, F--- Being alone, F--- feeling lonely, F--- sadness, F--- negative thoughts, F--- it all!!!!!  F--- pretending to be O.K. Just f--- everything.  World you can go f--- yourself also. You are too painful and you have hurt us all too much. F--- you to all the do goodies out there that think telling me I don't have a choice but to move on and be happy.... Guess what, I do have a choice. Middle finger to all the folks who think we should 'get with it', we are with it, with the pain, with the sadness, with the loneliness.  Don't tell us to get 'over it', you get over it, better yet you get over a barrel and i'll give you and idea of what I'm talking about.  I'm aware that the world carries on despite what might be happening in our currently miserable lives, that others don't give a rat's a-- that Donna died, that's life; but this is affecting me and my family's life and I don't like the s--- that's been stirred up by the appearance of grief; Attention current reality - go f--- your self cross eyed with something sharp and rusty, no one asked you to come here.  F--- you Death. You suck. You took my girl from me. You robbed me of the one person I knew understood me and supported me unconditionally.  F--- YOU. Try to find me you cheap piece of s---. Come on. Throw some more of your cheap shots our way, we can take it... F--- you and all those who align with your piece of s--- ways. I'm f---ing living and she is too, in my heart, and you can't get to that so F--- you!

(sorry got carried away there)


These were the first things the 'old me' wanted to scream.  And, but for the support of my children, and Donna's middle sister, I would have publicly reacted that way...I don't know, I still may at some point, I'm not out of the woods yet...

Knew Me:


Upon reflection I came to understand that I could not think that way for long, that it was just not the way to be (eye roll and hum). I thought, after all these years of living with myself, that I knew me, that I understood how my mind and emotions really worked...I was wrong.

I read somewhere that when attempting to write about traumatic events it is best to wait for a while after the event has happened.  It stated that trying doing so, soon after the event could result in distortions and misconceptions because the heat and passion of the event is so fresh.  This could be true…it probably is as the rant above proves; as I said, I’m just a wannabe so I don’t know all the literary protocols.  But there’s no way to distort or misconstrue the fact that Donna is not with us and that the pain of that absence for us is overwhelming.  So I waited a while to write, but I’m not so sure of how much the heat and passion has cooled.  

Here’s what I do know, and not because I read it somewhere, but because I’m living it:  the pain and sadness of the loss of a close loved one, one that you have had a deep personal relationship with, and the attendant grief that follows, has effects on a person as no other event can. That the loneliness caused by that loss cannot be accurately described or transmitted; that grief respects no boundaries, asks for no admission, and has no mercy.  It cannot be prepared for, bargained with or uninvited; it comes in with big boots, crushing everything in its path.  It does not respond to gentle coaxing, or sincere pleadings to go away.  It invades every corner of one's life and mind and can reduce even the most hardiest of us to a pile of emotional putty.  In order to survive its trek through our lives we have to become aware of it, try understanding it, and attempt to deal with it; hence, our journey through it, not over it. Make no mistake about this, we will not get over it; we have to live through it. I don’t think this is something we have a choice in, we  must do it in order to become the new us…the old us has vanished into  parts unknown.  We have to find out what this new life is all about, just what is it we’re suppose to be and  do.  We don’t have to like it or want it, it’s going to be that way regardless.  


I hope in continuing these posts I get a clue to what’s in store;  by examining myself and my life, and our family’s lives, maybe, just maybe I may find, get to know, and like the new me,  and want to keep that person.  This not only applies to me, but to everyone who is affected by Donna’s death, especially our children.  It doesn’t matter that they are adults, she is their mother and the real hell they are going through cannot be overstated.  As I’ve mentioned previously, my own mother died when I was quite young and the type of bond they enjoyed with Donna, I didn’t have the chance to develop with my own mother.  I can relate to them inasmuch as I remember how weird I felt on Mother’s day when I was a child; the people whose mothers had died wore white flowers, those whose mothers were still alive wore red.  That always made me feel…I hesitate to say different, but I guess that’s what it was…different and weird.

 Our family as a whole has to come to accept this idea of the ‘new me’s’ for each of us, it’s all a matter of how.

So, on we go…

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -e.e.cummings

128-Memories

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~ Dr Seuss

Those are tough words to try and live by at a time like this, but I am putting them in my survival toolbox because they make sense to me.  I think Dr. Seuss has something more to offer than a cat, a hat, and some green eggs (I believe he also worked on breaking codes for the U.S during WW2).  I guess that’s what the grief process is suppose to do for us…Show us how to live with our memories.   When I began to realize how serious this was I tried to find out all I could about it; what did other people do in the same situation, what websites were out there, are there any forums for grief?  Fortunately they are there.  A lot of the insights I am gaining from these sources have also gone into that toolbox.  I see how much I need them.

There is one thing I’m noticing, there’s a lot of talk and discussion about ‘getting over this grief’. I don’t think that’s going to happen for me. What’s more likely is that I will learn to live with the grief, learn to get through it without it paralyzing me for the rest of my life.  But I really think the phrase should be “Don’t cry too much because it’s over…” because as I’m finding out, there will be crying, we just don’t want to end up crying for the rest of our lives.  I can smile too, only a little at this point, but still I’m finding it possible.  So now when the memories come, I let them; the bad ones I try to counter with a memory of something that makes me smile, we’ll see how it goes.  It may or may not work, but I  have to give it a try.  I guess it goes back to the ‘let go of the pain, not the person..’thing.  A few months ago as  Donna and I were having breakfast at a local popular spot, she noticed that I had been watching her…’what’s wrong, got something on my face?’ she asked.  I said her no, she didn't. I really had been watching how she had been moving her food around, preparing it for the next plunge of the fork. But she was self conscious now and took out a small mirror to check her face.  As I had been watching I was thinking about how I would soon miss being with her like this, having a simple meal, watching her eating rituals. I knew then we were creating a memory and even then I had thought about how I might feel when I thought about this breakfast at a later date.  I’m not sure how much thinking along those lines she did, thought about us making memories, but I know I did…a lot.  At that time I had not given much thought about how it would make me feel.  I had assumed that when I recalled times like this it would make me smile with joy.  It never occurred to me that there would be pain along with the memories.  

Last year around Valentine’s day I remember we were going through a ‘quiet’ time (read argument), I had already ordered her something before this quiet time began and it arrived a few days before the 14^th, actually she had signed for it, given it to me, and I had sat it on the bench at the foot of our bed as if were a part I had ordered, it was in an ordinary brown box.   Anyway, on the actual date, as I was leaving out that morning, I saw a card she had left on my hat sometime during the night.  I had already decided I was going to give her the gift when I got in from work.  I gave it to her when I got in, told her that despite whatever was going on, I loved her and I hoped she liked it.  She gave me a hug and mumbled something.  Soon we were talking, just talking.  I remember telling her that no matter what she said, or how much we disagreed, I loved her and always would.  That whatever part I played in the cause of the current ‘silence’, I apologize for, and we should let it go.  I had been thinking all day about our situation, and realized that we didn’t have the time for long drawn out ‘I’ve got to win’ battles.  I remember thinking how I did not want to remember this moment and feel bad about it.  I’m sure we both did a lot of that type of thinking over the last 4 years, and it helped keep our disagreements to a minimum.  The point here is, I remember consciously making those type of decisions in that circumstance with regard to it being a future memory. So now I can think of that specific time frame without guilt or regrets.  It's not as painful as it might have been.  We are blessed because we knew time was limited and we had no time for long, drawn out disagreements.  What had to be said was said, it was up to us how long we would allow it to keep us in a bad place.  As Valentine’s day approaches again, I can remember the day and not be totally wiped out. 

This perhaps is what the grieving process does, allows us to learn how to deal with the loss and the memories that go along with it, without all the pain. I sure hope so.  I’m sure we are not designed to constantly be trapped in the initial burst of disbelief and shock.  So, I continue to work on putting the pieces into place; trying to recognize the unfamiliar bits and understanding how they fit in a ‘new, different life’.  The children and I speak about this grieving often, me, trying to get  a pulse on where they are emotionally, them probably trying to see how close the old man is to cutting his throat.  The things that are affecting me, are affecting them, only differently.  This is truly a family affair.  

We all are trying to learn how not cry because it’s over, but to smile because we know we are blessed to have the memory of Donna happen to us…

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

127-Losing pain

-You can't lose the pain. The pain and the love and the memories...it's a package deal. The pain is from your great love and to lose the pain would be to lose all memory of that great love. You can, however 'manage' the pain.  The idea is to let go of the pain, not the memory of the person-

I read this on a forum somewhere and copied to my lesson list.  It made so much sense to me that I didn’t want to forget it.  How to let go of the pain yet keep the person’s memory…that’s the challenge of this process.  How to enjoy the memories without so much of the pain and sadness.  So, I’m looking for things that will help me do this.  I‘m starting to realize that, as time passes and I go over and over events in my mind, the pain lessens.  I am beginning to recall things and they don’t hurt quite as bad.  It may just be my “new normal” of everyday life that is forcing itself to the front, taking up more space in my mind and crowding recent events to the rear.  I don't know.

As she slept more during those last few weeks, for which I’m grateful, the thought of what was happening would terrify me at times. I’m glad she slept, it seems she was at peace at those times, at least she wasn’t showing the outwards signs of being in pain.  We have to be grateful for that. The fact that she was leaving…I couldn’t think of what would happen after that, that time would have to take care of itself, right now I was witnessing the reality of our life...  what a memory.  I have all kinds of emotions when I remember that. I have to find a way to balance the pain of that memory with something to be grateful for at the same time. It is said that we are different now, in a different life, and that’s true.  Our family can never be the same as it was before Donna died, we are truly different people now.  I know it’s true because I can feel it, I’m living it.  I think that’s the way it should be.  We have to recognize that in this new life there’s a place for her memory without the pain.  How we get there must be this process, this grieving we’re going through now, for sure we will each have to come to our own personal definition of this, but it’s true for each of us nonetheless. 

Although Donna became the most important person in my life, I have to remember that there was a life for me before her.  I believe that I have a responsibility to my Higher Power to keep this in mind:  I have been given the gift of life, my life, part of that gift was the time spent with Donna, part of that gift is the rest of my life, however long or short that might be.  And, as I’ve mentioned in previous post I have seen the miracles my HP can perform.  So my life must move forward, my challenge is to make the memory of that part of my life with Donna not so painful.  That is what I am concentrating on these days.  I’m not really sure how to do it, I stumble through some days, performing, and doing… some days I feel “…o.k., I can do this…” some days I feel  “…what the hell…”.  It’s the roller coaster of emotions that’s to  be expected, at least that’s what I am told.  


Those of us who are involved with these memories of Donna will have to do this to move forward in our new lives, like it or not.  Sometimes I wonder what Donna would do if the roles were reversed, how she would handle it, then, just as quickly I let the thought go, I would not want her to have to go through this.

Her memory won’t be the only thing that needs to be put in place in this new life, my new hopes, dreams and motivations, all of this has to become part of it.  This would probably be a difficult proposition for anyone, and I should not expect to be exempt.  When we talked about this time, this ‘after’ time, I would always say that I didn’t know how I was going do it, I had to place my faith in the HP.  I want to believe that this is what carried us in those last few weeks and days: my mantra of faith in our Hp, my repeating that we had to trust in it if we truly believed, and we should believe because it had been shown to us in our lives in a tangible way.  I can only hope it eased her mind a bit.  I don’t know how much of if I really believed at the time I was saying it, but I have come to thoroughly believe it now, not because it was all that was left, but because I want to believe it to be true. Some times I feel like, 'why bother' but that would be too easy and would really be an insult to the giver of this gift of life, so on we try to go. To where?  I really don’t know, we’ll see…

This life has many twists and turns and we usually have no idea where they will lead us.  I think our challenge is to deal with the many unknowns that we come across while on the path and grow from the experience.  I think we are each responsible for our own lives, despite setbacks, shutdowns, lousy hands, death, lost loves &ct.  We are charged with making and living our lives to the fullest extent possible.  I think we should cherish our gift and not squander it, it is really far too precious.  


There are still great times to be had, good days to look forward to, loves to be gained and lost, we cannot let present struggles make us lose sight of that.  It was true yesterday and it will be true tomorrow, life is good!

pax

_________________________________________________“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings

126-Grief, the price

"Grief is the price we pay for love"

Queen Elizabeth II, speaking after the World Trade Center tragedy

 

A few days after the formal celebration of Donna’s life, I sat alone trying to figure out how I was going to get on with the rest of my life or even if I wanted to without her…I began to think about this grieving process, this time after loss.  Was I going to feel like this forever?  This raw and overpowering sense of loss and associated pain. Was I going to become a grief-junkie?  That thought scared me even more.  I need to find a way to put this part of my life into some manageable focus.  Being as flaky as I am, I can end up wandering the streets babbling nonsense or worse, drunk.  Despite outward appearances, I’m a weak person.  Having an addictive personality doesn’t help.  There’s a good chance I can become addicted to grief, and I have to look at that as a real possibility.  I think that would do a disservice to Donnas’ memory and that is not my intent.

The queen’s quote reminded me  that this is life and that there is a cost that goes with having a deep love for someone, for having a special relationship.  That cost is unavoidable.  There’s no good or bad involved here, this is just the natural result, we don’t have any control over it.  What we do have control over is our response to it.  When the call came confirming the diagnosis, we held each other, crying together on the floor.  I guess I started grieving right then. For Donna, for the children, for me…for everybody, for everything that would be affected by this, we cried.  Later, as we talked about it and the reality sat in, Donnas’ first concern was about everyone else.   How would the family take it?  Honestly, those were not my first thoughts; my first thoughts were about ME!  How would I make it?  I don’t apologize for thinking that, it’s a fact.  We have invested our entire adult emotional lives into each other and now one of those lives was coming to an end.  

This was day before Christmas eve, 2007; Donna said we wouldn’t tell anyone until after the holidays.  That was a hellish time.  It was time for us to pay the price for what is in my mind, a great love.  Never occurred to me there was a price to be paid, and that the cost would be so high, emotionally.  I’m grateful to have the love so I don’t mind paying, it’s the not having it that is so painful.  Donna would say, ‘…try not to feel so sad, I want you to be happy…go on with your life, find someone else if you want…’.  They were tough things to hear but I knew she had to say them, I’m sure they were tougher for her to say.  But again, she was thinking of me first…what would happen to me.  She knew I would always be sad about this, we have just too much together, but I love her for saying it.  She talked about the children and how this would affect them.  

She talked about her fears for her mother and sisters…how would they manage?  I tried to reassure her that somehow we would make it but I don’t know how much good it did, not much I suspect, but what else could I say? But this is a part of life we all may have to come to terms with at some point.  It reminds me that even at this late date there are life lessons for me learn.  This is one of them.  This does not mean that we should be fearful of having and developing deep relationships, this does not mean that just because there may be sadness from loss, that we do not live and love to the fullest.  We can’t live our lives in fear of loss.  It’s another facet of life we must come to terms with.

In those early days after getting the news we were both in shock.  We tried to continue our normal routine, knowing that nothing would ever be ‘normal’ again.  Donna was still working at the time and she said she wanted to go on as long as she could.   Treatment began and so did our journey of hope.  It was a journey overshadowed by the knowledge of the possible outcome, but we had no choice, we had to take it.   Gradually we silently came to terms with the situation and tried to carry on, but in the back of our minds, all of our minds, we had that shadow of impending doom.

So, it began…

pax

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“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings