127-Losing pain

-You can't lose the pain. The pain and the love and the memories...it's a package deal. The pain is from your great love and to lose the pain would be to lose all memory of that great love. You can, however 'manage' the pain.  The idea is to let go of the pain, not the memory of the person-

I read this on a forum somewhere and copied to my lesson list.  It made so much sense to me that I didn’t want to forget it.  How to let go of the pain yet keep the person’s memory…that’s the challenge of this process.  How to enjoy the memories without so much of the pain and sadness.  So, I’m looking for things that will help me do this.  I‘m starting to realize that, as time passes and I go over and over events in my mind, the pain lessens.  I am beginning to recall things and they don’t hurt quite as bad.  It may just be my “new normal” of everyday life that is forcing itself to the front, taking up more space in my mind and crowding recent events to the rear.  I don't know.

As she slept more during those last few weeks, for which I’m grateful, the thought of what was happening would terrify me at times. I’m glad she slept, it seems she was at peace at those times, at least she wasn’t showing the outwards signs of being in pain.  We have to be grateful for that. The fact that she was leaving…I couldn’t think of what would happen after that, that time would have to take care of itself, right now I was witnessing the reality of our life...  what a memory.  I have all kinds of emotions when I remember that. I have to find a way to balance the pain of that memory with something to be grateful for at the same time. It is said that we are different now, in a different life, and that’s true.  Our family can never be the same as it was before Donna died, we are truly different people now.  I know it’s true because I can feel it, I’m living it.  I think that’s the way it should be.  We have to recognize that in this new life there’s a place for her memory without the pain.  How we get there must be this process, this grieving we’re going through now, for sure we will each have to come to our own personal definition of this, but it’s true for each of us nonetheless. 

Although Donna became the most important person in my life, I have to remember that there was a life for me before her.  I believe that I have a responsibility to my Higher Power to keep this in mind:  I have been given the gift of life, my life, part of that gift was the time spent with Donna, part of that gift is the rest of my life, however long or short that might be.  And, as I’ve mentioned in previous post I have seen the miracles my HP can perform.  So my life must move forward, my challenge is to make the memory of that part of my life with Donna not so painful.  That is what I am concentrating on these days.  I’m not really sure how to do it, I stumble through some days, performing, and doing… some days I feel “…o.k., I can do this…” some days I feel  “…what the hell…”.  It’s the roller coaster of emotions that’s to  be expected, at least that’s what I am told.  


Those of us who are involved with these memories of Donna will have to do this to move forward in our new lives, like it or not.  Sometimes I wonder what Donna would do if the roles were reversed, how she would handle it, then, just as quickly I let the thought go, I would not want her to have to go through this.

Her memory won’t be the only thing that needs to be put in place in this new life, my new hopes, dreams and motivations, all of this has to become part of it.  This would probably be a difficult proposition for anyone, and I should not expect to be exempt.  When we talked about this time, this ‘after’ time, I would always say that I didn’t know how I was going do it, I had to place my faith in the HP.  I want to believe that this is what carried us in those last few weeks and days: my mantra of faith in our Hp, my repeating that we had to trust in it if we truly believed, and we should believe because it had been shown to us in our lives in a tangible way.  I can only hope it eased her mind a bit.  I don’t know how much of if I really believed at the time I was saying it, but I have come to thoroughly believe it now, not because it was all that was left, but because I want to believe it to be true. Some times I feel like, 'why bother' but that would be too easy and would really be an insult to the giver of this gift of life, so on we try to go. To where?  I really don’t know, we’ll see…

This life has many twists and turns and we usually have no idea where they will lead us.  I think our challenge is to deal with the many unknowns that we come across while on the path and grow from the experience.  I think we are each responsible for our own lives, despite setbacks, shutdowns, lousy hands, death, lost loves &ct.  We are charged with making and living our lives to the fullest extent possible.  I think we should cherish our gift and not squander it, it is really far too precious.  


There are still great times to be had, good days to look forward to, loves to be gained and lost, we cannot let present struggles make us lose sight of that.  It was true yesterday and it will be true tomorrow, life is good!

pax

_________________________________________________“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go, you go), my dear…” -eecummings